Free-ballin

We all know that I'm the Grand Procrastinator. It's what I do and I'm begginning to think that, if I die prematurely, it'll be because I failed to do something in a timely manner. so it's no surprise that I wait until the absolute last minute to do my laundry.

Three things make it mandatory to finally do ur laundry: u run outta underwear; run out of towels; or run out of socks. Well this, for me, it was the underwear, the drawls. So, with no briefs left in my drawer, i dropped off about three weeks of laundry at the wash-n-fold laundromat.

It was already 1p, but I told my Julie that I had no more draws and begged her to finish my truckload by COB, which would require a lil extra effort. but they consistently hook Twist up and yesterday was no different.

Anyways, u guessed...due to pracrastination, I didn't get there before closing time, which mean that before I took my shower this morning, I'd have to go get my clothes.

I decided to workout this morning though, forgetting I had no draws back at the crib. I realized this, miraculously and coincidentally, at the US 19 and SR 50 intersection, the exact point where I can either take a right and travel about 10 minutes to get my laundry or just keeping heading down 19 to the crib. I was sweaty and hungry so I just headed to the crib not really giving much thought to what I was gonna do.

But I think we all know what this meant: After I got my shower and left the house, I was free-ballin. The problem, though, is that I had to make unexpected detours before getting my clothes so i hangin out for much longer than expected.

Save for the two hours today, I can't remember free-ballin. I remember my lil bro Christian had a free-ballin stint in the late 80s as a rambunctious lil munchkin, but beside that period, I never knew anyone that free-balled. Not personally.

To me, free-balling is for two groups of people: Men without home -- Hobos. And men that lie with men -- Homos, but not the regular kind, the kind that go to wild gay clubs and rub their bare chests together as they flail and pant to bass-heavy techno music. And since I'm feelin sassy and had some paella earlier today, let's throw Hispanics in there. So in summation, free-ballin is only for a Hobo, a Homo or a Hombro. Well, last time I looked, my landlord's name was Mary, I'm attracted to women with verve and curves and I'm a Gringo.

Simply put, no more free ballin for Twist. I'm not saying that I won't be in a situation where I may need to free-ball again, since I love to procrastinate. I'm just saying I will MacGuyver my way into some undergarment.

In fact, can anyone offer some tips on how to make loin cloths out of towels?

A Couple Things XVII

-- I was watchin the Colbert Report the other evening and my nigga Stephen hit us with this gem to end his lil intro-monologue:

"Within every man there's a hole the size of the truth! And I'm gonna jam it in there."

He murders me on a nigtly basis.

-- Jamie Foxx's reality show was about as wretched as you can get. two things stuck with me about it.

1) I like how people were circulating emails encouraging everyone to tune into the show as opposed to American Idol. It was the type of grassroots work that should be commended. If NBC did indeed sandbag the show, marketing wise, because Jamie didnt invite any white guest and Jamie had the balls to stand up to the execs then he deserved our support. too many times these network execs are worried about tokens and how ridculous would it have been if Foxx would have sung some ridiculous duet with Michelle Branch? Or if he had Steven Tyler and his french-fry-face prancing around the stage in leather leggins?

And yes it was historic for a black man to get a 2-hr variety show on NBC. and yes the black viewing pubclic should have felt some duty to suppot and show execs that they need to offer more of that type of entertainment.

But, you just know that MacGruder and Boondocks have to be licking his chops at parodying the concern for and support of a 1-hr variety show as opposed to the more serious ailments afflicting the community.

2.) Jamie Foxx is not a good artist and he sucks as a performer. both are hard to believe because, he's an above average singer and very talented musician, so how can he not be a great artist..and, he's a comedian and Academy-Award winning actor, so how can he not be a great performer.

I don't know...but I do know that great voices and the ability to play the piano doesn't mean great music these days. Alicia Keys is known to drop very mediocre albums laced with 2 or 3 brilliant records. John Legend's album was hot trash. But it's hard to ever really bag Keys and Legend because its so apparent that theyre wildly talented and they have the holy trinity: the voice, the song-writing ability, and musicianship. But they don't have THAT THANG.

Badu has That Thang. D'Angelo had that Thang. More than anyone doing it at the moment, Bilal has That Thang. I mean, give Bilal an hour-long special and the TV will meltdown.

Foxx, on the other hand, is ur average run-of-the-mill nigga when it comes to making dope music. He sounds like every other R&B dude.

Like I always get mad when people try to Michael Jackson on the same level or above Prince. Jax was an astounding performer and had a great vision for what would entertain. But musically, homeboy really wasn't all that, in hindsight. He did write and arrange some of his music, but Jax was that voice and them black loafers, gyms socks and highwater slacks. And his voice, might I add, wasn't all that after he grew up and then started having ridiculous operations to keep his upper register in tact. Prince, on the other hand, has to be one of the 10 greatest artists since the end of the Vietnam War. Maybe Top 5, in fact, let's go ahead put in him the Top 5. And thats because he had That Thing. Forget that he wrote and produced very ounce of his music. Plays the drums, guitar and piano. Most importantly, though, he had That Thgng. That Thang will make some arrange a song a certain way instead of chorus-verse-chorus-verse-bridge-chorus. That Thang will make someone add some percussion to a track because they think it'll create a certain mood. It's almost a mentality, it is a mentality.

Foxx's mentality is to make some ho-hum R&B, following the crowd. And that nigga claims to be Unpredicable. I know ur talkin about ur bed-game, but Nigga please! Emeril made roasted duck nachos on his show yesterday. That's unpredicatable. Foxx as a music artist is like a PB&J sandwich on some $.89 wheat bread.

And performance-wise...it was just a waste of time. ZERO stage presence and his lil life-story interludes were annoying and not funny. I believe we know all understand the relay he had with his grandmoms. And his Oscar speech was moving, as was Globe's speech. But I wasn't trying to sit thru a whole hour of some Mama's Boy ish. I wasn't on no: Make me laugh, Monkey! which is what white people like to do to blacks on TV. I wouldve been ashamed if Foxx came out there like a shufflin Sambo...but dude...gimme 10 breaks.

and finally, on a somewhat out the lane topic: I'm grow a huger fan of The Game everyday. not because he's a skilled emcee and definitely because he's got That Thang, he doesnt. I just like his MO. kool kat in my book.

I'm a Window Shopper

But not like a broad window shops or like how 50 says Nas window shops...I'm a city window shopper. My Saturday in Tampa coming soon...

Sweat-hoggin

I meant to get this post up sooner, but it's still relevant. So let me hit and quit it right quick.

Has anyone ever heard of sweathogging? I had never known there was name for this act.

Some background: I was at the supermarket in the magazine aisle and came across this Marie Claire with Penelope Cruz on the cover. For some reason, I'm kinda crushin on her recently, so I started flipping through the mag looking for her article. The issue was semi-dedicated to how America views fat women and there was this article on sweathogging.

Sweathogging is basically when a bunch of dudes, usually frat boys, I guess, go to clubs or bars or gathering places and purposely try to pick up really large women, assuming it's an easy smash. And once they kop the large woman they usually try to use them for the most debased sexual experience because, i guess, they believe the bigums will be down for whatever, out of desperation and deprivation.

It's sordid stuff...so debauched, in fact, that it's semi-comical.

I only scanned the Marie Claire jump-off, because, like most of those broad-mags, it was fluffy and surface and corny. but after being considerably intrigued I went on the internet to see if some alternative weekly in NY or Chicago or somethin had done a story. Those journals are always good for that. DC's City Paper always has some dope, off-the-cuff, in-the-cut article about some wildness. Anyways, I found this article from, what I believe to be, Cleveland's alt weekly. One need only take a agnder at the headline, "Big Game Hunters" to know that you were in for a treat, so as long as you could stomach the nauseating chauvinism and immorality.

Look, I'm no prude, all though I wish I was more of a prude, ya know conscious-wise...and I think it'd be corny for me to get on the pulpit about this subject, since all of you know that, save a few slick-words here and there and my superiority-complex, I profoundly respect women and hate defiant, mean-spirited debauchery. But some of these dudes comments in this article were so deep in the gutter that it's straight up-n-down funny. Especially because they all seemed like dumb-as-a-brick frat boys. It's like how u laugh at southen-bumpkin, KKK rhetoric comin out the toothless mouth of some dweeb on a daytime talk show.

I won't even get into all the moral issues and social issues with this stuff because it's so ridiculous. Why even pose the question like, Why would some girl allow this to happen? when these scenarios are so far out. Forget trying to use this make some assumption or shed some light on gender inequality or the degradation of morals or the demise of the family-unit. This doesn't deserve that type of analysis. Just check these ridiculous highlights and after u control the gag reflex, I challenge anyone to say that they didn't at least crack an incredulous grin...

"Let's go out and pick up some pigs tonight," the guy would say. He homed in on fat girls, demanded oral sex, then kicked them out of the car when he was done. "He'd literally boot 'em out with his foot," .... Huh?

"I just talk to them like they're complete disgusting pigs," he says. "You gotta break 'em down with insults. Comment on their fat -- 'You're a dirty little pig.' They call me a dick, an asshole, but after a few beers, they're into it." ... What?

"Fat women are like Mopeds," they'll say. "They're fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you."
"Slap her thighs and ride the wave in."
"Roll her in flour and find the wet spot." ... Are u kidding me?

"They understand their place," Rick says. "They know they're pigs. They don't get it like a normal girl could. They're desperate." ... One question.

By the way, I doubt sweat-hogging goes both ways, as in women go hogging for fat men. But if so, I'm lettin all the fly ladies know I will be in South Tampa saturday night, somewhere drinking rich lager or good scotch...please, feel free to sweat this hog.

The Commish: Kobe

I actually got two fairly entertaining blog posts in the works, as you see from the titles above. so stay tuned for that. but quickly, as The Commish, you know I gotta weigh in on the greatest day of NBA action in the leagues history.

-- AI brings Philly back on Minny, drops 19 in second half. My lil bro Iguadala (Vitale must feel like such an idiot) hits the game winner. a classic game that everyone wouldve been talkin about...if Seattle/Pheonix wouldnt have happened later.

-- Sonics/Suns almost score a combined 300 points in a double-OT masterpiece. Heysoos Shuttleworth hits the Suns for 42, including the trey game-winner. its an instant classic that everyone wouldve been talkin about if it werent for 8 goin for 81.

-- I TiVo'd Kobe's revelation and I've watched it 3 times already. i gets better with each viewing. this is gonna sound like 20-20 hindsight, but after a few minutes in the first I knew he was gonna go for a ridiculous amount because Kobe was driving to the basket and makin layups without gettin fouled. u never see that happenin to him. He's forced to make ridculously difficult 20-footers or he knifes through the lane and gets clubbed across the face or bust in the chops. I just kept thinking that if this dude starts strokin it's curtains.

Anyway, he did and he dropped 81. i dont care how many times i see that number or say or watch the game, it's still a lil comical. don;t forget -- we're less than 5 years removed from a period when some teams averaged around 81 points.

there are several reasons why this is the greatest single-game feat in athletic history. i mean, the baseball equivalent would be hittin two cycles. football? maybe gaining 400 yards or throwing 10 touchdowns.

think about the other 70 point performances in the modern era, which would exclude Balor and Wilt. Both Robinson's 71 and Thompson's 72 came on the last game of the season. Thompson was fighting Malone for the scoring title and Thompson was rasslin with Gervin (Gervin scored 63 that same day). So those performances were straight-up predetermined gunner displays. There was forethought: " I'm gonna try to score 60 or 70 if I can so I can win this scoring title." that's why Robinson and Thompson's totals were never held in much esteem. And even Wilt's 78 came in 3 overtimes. the 100 is another story, but lets remember that Wilt was built like a young shaq and just as athletic and he was playing against 6'7, lead-footed white boys. not to diminish the 100, but....i'm sayin it aint no 81 in today's modern NBA.

Kobe is, unfortunately, the sole scoring threat on his squad, since, for whatever reason, he and Odom cant learn to dance together or Mar just refuses to learn the dance..whatever. anyways, Kobe always has one dedicated defender and 4 sets of eyes on him at all time. so when he sprng for 55 in the second-half, it was amazing, especially since a good 15 of those came in that stretch where he brought LA back from 18-down. He had 53 heading into the 4th and then dropped about another 15 in the 4th to help seal a victory and keep the Rapts from comin back. the last 10 was definitely a concerted effort to break some records, but u cant fault him for that.

I'll let Gee close it out: "and its not like he was doing things he shouldnt have with the ball or taking a lot of bad shots...he was 28/46 61% and only had 3 turnovers...insanity"

Yes, insanity.

actually, quick addition to this blog, after reading, perhaps, the most wickedly funny email of the New Year, courtesy my man Tony (and it was astute on a sports tip, too). Enjoy the PG version: "what would drive a man to do that. hes putting up numbers that only old school niguhs used to put up. but your man is smart too because he knows that they dont play again for like a week. so shoot my a** off and then lay up for 7 days. but knowing that niguh after the game he probably went went to the showers, f***d a white woman, and got right back in the gym. incredible."

The Commish: And Another One, Uh...

"This nigga...finally bloggin regularly again, and the only thing he can write about is sports. Cornball."

I know, I know, I know. But two important things happened yesterday. We had another player go into the stands, followed by some astute analysis by the best in the biz, Greg Anthony. And we also had, perhaps, the most telling game of Lebron James early career -- a night-n-day display between him and Melo. The Commish needs to weigh in on these things.

-- The Antonio Davis incident has produced one of the few times that my colleagues in the media have actually been actin like they have brains. The knee-jerks have been replaced with actual thinking and logic. it's a beautiful thing.

For those of you who don't know, the Chicago Bulls' Antonio Davis went into the stands when he thought his wife was being threatened by a drunk fan. The situation is entirely different than the Pacers/Pistons beef. Davis didnt throw any blows, his teammates didnt go in the stands, there was no violence, no chaos, but considerable comotion. His excuse for what the NBA has deemed inexcusable was that he saw his wife being threatened and felt he didnt have enough time to alert security, so he did what every man would do, which was act on his protetctor's impulse. This coming from the president of the NBA Players Assoc. and someone noted league-wide as one of the most morally solid men in the league.

So what happens? Stern, the other Commish, is probably gonna fine him and maybe suspend him. I say he gets a 5-game suspension, to reinforce the zero tolerance for entering the stands. Once that's all wrapped up, it'll be time, as Greg Anthony said, for the league to really get this security issue under control.

I liked the idea of putting all visiting family members in a league-owned luxury box or designating a small section of the arena for family. Why hasn't that been thought of before?

But here's the big thing: security personnell has to get better, more competent. Did you see who was mediating the scrap before Tonio got there? One of those geriatric ushers that probably wears depends and gums his food. That's not security -- that's comedy. I'd play him to the curb like Martin played Two Braids to the curb in that episode where he was trying to get gigs from the unemplyment office. But what I did like is how the geriatric was koppin feels on Ms. Davis, who Twist would be right on time for. He was straight caressin her nigger hips. He probably still has a a lil wrinkled chubby as i type.

Ultimately, the NBA has to do something. And every league. These fans can't keep harrassing people. its gettin outta control.

-- I just posted somethin on Bron and how he's in the midst of his last season of grace from me. I want him to, at least, get this Cavs squad into the playoffs, which shouldn be difficult since its probaly the third best team now that Artest isnt with Indy. But something else glaring has come to the fore after yesterday's game against Carm and the Nuggets. He's not a killer and he's not clutch. That'so painful to type about my lil bro, but its true.

the showed a stat. Bron was 2-15 in the last 10 seconds when shooting for a tie or game winning bucket. 2 for frikkin 15. thats deplorable. and i dont care if he's young. Melo on the other hand was 7-11, not including that despeicably gangsta baseline pike that was, in effect the game winner. there was no hesitation with that move. He caught it on the mid wing, took that nasty first step that left Newble stumbling back and then yammed it. And let's not forget that Melo was Mr. Cluth in college too. I saw him consistently take over games, as an 18-year-old that freshman year in Western NY.

Bron...I don't know man. Gee text'd me after the game and wrote: "He just don't have that thing, to pull it out in the end."

Let's look at the two moments that made me nauseous and teary-eyed.

Down 89-87, Cleveland has the ball with about 20 seconds. He happens to get the ball, wide open at the top of the key. Instead of pulling for the trey, or pulling it to halfcourt and winding the clock for the last shot, he zips the ball Sasha almsot as soon as he catches it. This after Sasha had just missed two free-throws...this sint a shootaround where u give the ball back to a nigga that just shot an airball! this is the end of a nationally televised game and ur down 2, U take the shot, under every circumstance. the ball should not leave ur hands ever. It was crazy because they showed them in the huddle and Bron had this displacing-the-blame look on his face when he said "He was open." Like, "What do u yall expect me to do, he was open." Well so were u, homeboy. Keep that rock at all times.

Then, after some things went there way, he was on the line, down 90-88, two shots, head into overtime. He made the first and choked on the second. But here's thing...I didnt even think he was gonna make it. He hasnt instilled that confidence in anyone yet.

FACT: Zeke aint givin that ball up, neither is Bird, MJ, Reggie, Pauly, Kobe, Hardaway or any of the other great clutch players. Notice I didnt say Magic, though. Which brings me to this: it's not an irreversable thing for Bron. Now, granted, Magic had come up big countless times before the 1983-84 NBA Championship series against the Celtics. He'd won his fair share of games, but this was before the junior-junior sky hook of 1987 and the half-court heave of 1988 and the stage of his career where he was winning games every other nioght. Back in the 84 championships, Bird was still considered better, the Lakers were still Kareem's team and Magic still had whispering cynics that speculated, as they tended to do with black players back then, whether or not he was mentally tough.

Then came, I think it was Game 5, in Boston...Magic throws the ball away twice in the last two minutes, missed some free throws too, sealing the Boston win, giving them momentum and, in effect the series. The judges hounded Magic all sumer and preseason. Wondered aloud and in print if he was truly going to be one of the greats. If his 40 point performance, against Darryl Dawkins, in Karrem's stead in the 1980 Finals as a frikkin rookie was an anomaly. They castigated him and tried their best to diminish him. And some had a small bit of right to do so, with Magics ridiculous submarine act in that 84 series (I usually get depressed when I watch that game on Classic). What happened next? Magic came back, averaged 17.5 and 15 assits and took the next won. two years after that he hit the Celt with the junior-junior in Game 5 on the parquet, shutup all the irish fans, yelling obscenities.

That's what Bron needs to do. take this last performance and the knowledge that he's becoming unreliable and unwilling in the clutch and be a gangsta about things and get his 21-year-old act together. Kobe shot airballs in the playoffs as a rookie, but he was takin those bad boys. by the time he was 21, he was LA's main fourth quarter option, and knifing niggas at the end of games. ditto MJ. Bron is more Magic than MJ, but Bron doesn't have the history of big games that Magic had to hold off some of the criticism he got after the 84 debacle. Bron needs to get on that good foot and do it soon.

It's Not a Game

I'd say a little more than half Twist visitors are women and less than half are sports fans, so I don't mean to bore you with another sports related posts. But as you know, sports ain't nuthin but sociology havin some fun. Which brings me to two matters, Dungy and Manning; and Shaq and Kobe.

-- The Shaq and Kobe pound and hug yesterday was an incredible statement if you ask me. Trust that it wouldn't have happened if it werent MLK Day and that's my word. Yeah Russ encouraged Shaq to make amends, but do you really think that was the first time that someone Shaq deeply respected told him to quit actin like a spiteful bish? I sky-highly doubt it.

But sometimes -- and I'm talkin about an every-once-in-a-blue-moon sometimes -- these stupid secular holidays actually make people take a step back and think. Like, maybe three times in the last 30 years there may have been someone who actually thought Jesus and not electronics on his fake birthday. And maybe, this one time, some black people REALLY considered the life of MLK and what that meant.

Boondocks, which is absolutely murdering it right now, I mean, classic, revolutionary, historic, landmark type ish is happening on Sundays at 11pm...anyways, Boondocks Sunday episode had MLK wake up out of a coma in 2000, aghasted at what his marching and near martydom had produced, which was a wayward black community. It ended with MLK giving a "nigga" filled speech at a church and announcing he was moving to Canada. The monologue at the end really did make a nigga pause and think about the black communities priorities and direction and, if nothing else (especially for someone like me who doesnt celebrate birthdays) thats what something like MLK Day might do. And, I think Shaq was moved.

Think about how nigligent and defeatist it would have been for the two biggest NBA stars to continue that petty, derisive beef in front of millions, as black men, on the only day this piss-wack country seems to acknowledge black-accomplishment.

You can tell it was a weight off each others shoulders. The punded up like 3 times. It got to the point that some started speculating whether it was a move for the cameras and not genuine or sincere. OF COURSE it was a move for the cameras, it was MLK Day and this was two black millionaire susper stars showing some solidarity. But i also believe it was genuine. I totally expect The Judges to come with a bunch of cynicsm and snarky-smarm...but it won't change the fact that the Shaq-Kobe truce was probably the most compelling moment of the season for me. I hope the kids got a chance to stay and watch the begginning of that game or watched sportscenter this morning and learned something from that. u'd be surprised how much weight these athletes hold. Kudos to my blodd-brother Kobe and my prodigal-nigga Shaq-Dies.

-- I'm gonna hit this Dungy and Manning thing really quick, because I'm sure some of my compadres are already expecting this.

FACT: during the 13 game winning streak, Dungy played a distant secondary role to the genius of Peyton Manning. Sure Dungy had the defense finally playing sufficient football, but it was Manning's genius that had grown to other-worldy magnitude. If the Colts were to go all the way, it'd be because Manning walked up to the line and pointed in three different directioons and changed plays 6 times. That Manning is so astute.

FACT: the defense held Pitt to a semi-respectable 21 points, a total the vaunted Colts offense shouldve been able to deal with, especially since the Colts kept Pitt off the board for the latter portion opf of the game. Manning and the Colts offense, who managed to score 3 points in the first half, couldn't bring the business, though. Manning gave us these hero-legend-halloffame-cementing drives: the last drive of the second quarter when his genius couldnt even get the Colts in field-goal range so they could go into halftime with some momentum. The interception late in the fourth quarter that the refs negligently overturned. The stupid and errant 3-2 pass on the last possession. As smart and genius as Manning was, he wasn't keen enough to get the first down? Ya boy played horrible.

FACT: This dude, in my estimation, is a loser. He's never won a big game. Let's get this straight, Elway didn;t need those last two super bowls. homeboy had already been to 3. Marino went to a SuperBowl his second year and he also never operated with and Edgerin James. Ya boy Manning is a mark. Yet, The Judges have, for some reason, chosen to look at this rationally and try to be objective about things. Smells like haddock.

FACT: I'm not sure what happened during that 4-down Manning wave off. But I do know this, because people give Manning SO MUCH credit for the offense and trivialize Dungy's role, they automatically believed that Manning was usurping Dungy's shakey, nigger-authority. If Brady wouldve done that Belichek, I GUARANTEE the announcers would have said something like, "Oops, looks like the punt team got a bit antsy. Belichek and Brady are gonna go for it."

REQUEST: Can we please dispense with all praise of Manning until he plays well in a big playoff game. Maybe the squad loses by 3 or 7 points, but as long as Manning shows-n-proves. Until then, I don't care if the dude has 4,500 yards by Week 9 and 78 TDs by Week 6. I'm not trying to hear no accolade thrown his way. Not after four seasons of this submarine act.

And it's not just MAnning, on the hoops side, I'm like that with Lebron, and thats my lil brother. But ask my niggas what I've been sayin...no joke, this is the last season of lil dude's grace period. If the Cavs fail to make the playoffs this year (baby steps) then I don;t wanna hear anymore "O Gosh Bron is the greatest" from anyone. Niggas gotta start winning something meaningful.

The Globes: Cruz, Carey and Cash

-- My man Tony was the first to put me on to the Penelope Cruz mystique. I forgot which movie we were watching but as it began he was tellin me how sexy she was, and I'm looking at this broad with a weird nose and busted grill and wondering, "what planet are u takin me to, Tone? Cause I'm lost right now." He responded by telling me to just watch the whole movie, guaranteeing that by the end, I'd see the light. And I did. There's Something About Penelope. Last night, on the Globes, I was first caught out there wondering if she was pregnant, but after that split second, I was stuck in a daze, smitten for some reason. Needless to say, I'd be on time for that.

I'm also semi-convinced that I'd live the Good Life with Scarlett Johanssen. And I'm also convinced that Mariah Carey wipes off her lipstick with a piping hot curling iron. Her upper lip is as gross as Geoffrey Rush's nose, Hammer's crotch in the Pumps n Bumps video and Sandra Bernhardt.

With the Globes over, I now have my movie mandate leading up to the Oscars and there are still about six flix that I haven't checked.

Speaking of which, I saw Walk the Line and I'm not so sure it was a great movie. Matta fact, I'm sure it wasn't a great movie. And if Pheonix wins the Oscar, like he won the Globe, I think it's cheapening Foxx's Oscar. I'm just puttin that out there. No doubt, he got the voice down pretty well, but isn't there more to playing a role than that? I wasn't compelled once during that whole movie.

I'm no movie critic, that's just my 122 cents.

A Couple Things XVII

-- Season 5 of 24 starts Sunday with a 2-hr episode, followed up by another 2-hr jump off Monday. I just finished the tail end of Season 4 that I missed during my move from Orlando back to DC. It was the ish. That's one of the few shows that is so well-written and has such great plots and plot twists that the whole slate of actors can continuously turn in F-rated performances but the show remains enthralling.

If you think that's not gettin the No. 1 spot on my TiVo Season Pass lineup, then u betta ax sumbody.

-- speaking of shows...is there any real reason that I should go rent the first season of Lost and get hip to that? I'm askin that for real. if so, somebody get at the Dude.

-- Mary just put the crib on the market which means that my wish of moving into the city may come true sooner than I expected. I'm so through with Hernando right now. I just wanna walk on a sidewalk, go to a bookstore, be in a room with at least three other young professionals, eat brunch outside and go to a bar without seeing a mullet, confederate flag or feel like the ish won't go down if i pop the sauce. A couple of my co-workers have been recruiting me to the Hyde Park neighborhood and I thought it was dope when I visited, so I'm lookin forward to goin apt shoppin. I won't have nearly as much room as I do now, but I didnt even make use of the room, since I concluded two months into my stay that I was bouncin as soon as my lease was up.

-- I still find it funny that, perhaps, the most conservative Supreme Justice is a black man. to this day, that genuinely makes me smile at the irony.

-- Do you think Scalia calls Thomas a Moolian, a lot? I do. They'll be at lunch Rehnquist wants someone to pass the salt, when Souter reaches and Scalia's like, "Hey, take it easy over there Dave, let the moolian fetch the f*&^%$n salt."

Then the check comes and everyone reaches for their pocket, besides Ginsburg, and Scalia's like, "What, are your arms too short you Jew bastard?" Then he then he dips a piece of leftover bread in some marinara and slings it at her and orders Uncle thomas to go get a wet cloth.

"You two priks were made for each udda u know that! MADE FOR EACH UDDA!!"

I really think this goes on.

She Ain't Messin With no Broke Nigga

I was gonna drop a Music Dude post today, because I've been doin knowledge on the new Miles Davis box set and my favorite music pirate, Sumaya (who is also the blgs omsbudman) has just dropped us two goliath internet bootlegs. But I'm chillin on this for a minute to bring you an interesting story, or at least what i thought to be interesting.

Its a tale of a real live gold digger that I met at Applebees.

Now, J, one of my favorite black girls, keenly noted that "ain't no real goldigger eating at applebees, dawg. " Which is only semi-true. its a pseudo-truth, a quasi-truth, if you will...and on two levels.

First, she was eating at Applebees, she was working at Applebees. Ahhhhhh!!!!! the plot thickens, does it not? we'll get to all this, trust me.

but first, lets examine the other reason why one of my favorite black girls was only partially right.

to do that, we gotta determine what type of gold digger we're talking about. Are we talkin a Kanye gold-digger? or an EPMD gold digger. Sadly, a few of you reading this blog thought Ye was the first dude to drop a song entitled gold digger, when in fact black girls like J and black boys like me were rockin to a track called gold digger back in 1990 on EPMD's Business as Usual LP. yeah, yall remember? of course you do. how can u forget the track with the sax riff from the Funkadelic's "Freak". for many of us youngsters it was our first introduction to women that purposely try to get men for their dough by using sex and the product of sex, only, society didn't call these women prostitutes.

Kanye's gold digger, a fly honey with HLT (Hips, Lips and Ti...Tonsils) out for the come-up on some rich, movie star, rap star, ball playin nigga...the chick lookin for some high profile dude to make her hot...the chick asking a dude to take a walk in the rain without a raincoat and next thing u know they got a seed between them and he's hooked for child support....the chick who gets fat whips and fly shoes and fresh gear bought in exchange for some of that sweet thang....that was the Parish (EPMD, Eric and Parish Makin Dollas) gold digger long before Kanye reprised it.

check a portion of Parish's verse:
til one day, she spent the crazy dough
Ten G's on Levi's, cold went Rambo
But then she smiled, gave me a back massage
Gassed my head up, and said (oh P you're so large)
Like a jerk, I went for the line like a fish
But she was far from dream girl, and more like a death wish
She likes to sit back, lamp, walk on plush rugs
Whip my five-sixty sip Moet and bug
(so did you flip?)Tried to but she cut me off
And said, "Guess what?" (what) "I'm pregnant" (pregnant? damn)
Yeah and the child is yours

Now that's one type of gold-digger. Eric Sermon spit on the other type in the earlier verse.

check the techs:

Oh what the heck, let's get married and have a son named Erick
No big deal, no sweat
Hmmm, I was in for a big surprise
And when I saw the judge hammer pass my green eyes
Brainlocked, my whole damn head was malfunctional
Cause I forgot to co-sign a prenuptial, agreement
Now her case is hard like cement
I have no files on all the money she spent
She has a car, nineteen ninety brand new Jaguar
Fly kit, with chrome rims that's five star
that she bought, when I was away on tour
Hittin' my bank account, gettin more and more money
She got paid, it wasn't funny
Talkin to myself - oh you big big dummy

This is more of the gold-digger i'm talkin about. the woman that marries a man, severs ties and walks away with much of he earned. sometimes its warranted, sometimes it isnt.

and lets be clear, gold-diggin is a mentality. a woman need not be rich or perusing with rich men to be a gold digger. a gold digger is a woman that basically seeks a man pockets and does so in devious, heartless ways.

which brings us to the chick in applebees.

my neighborhood had some stupid blackout a while ago, righ in the middle of the lakers game. so, i went to the local applebees to kop some $1 beers and some nachos, sit by lonesome and focus on my squad.

thats when homegirl comes over to my table, with some fruity looking drink, sits down and starts to yakking, stright up bumpin her gums. were it some other time, i'd have been happy to engage her, since its not everyday that someone randomly comes over to your table to start conversing. i eat alone alot, and i can count on one hand how often thats happened, unless we're talking about a server sitting down for a moment and chatting. but this time, i was a lil disturbed, but didnt want to be rude...so i engaged.

apparently her shift was nearing its end and it was slow and she wanted to know why i was eating a lone and what i did and where i'm from and every other personal matter other than, "Am I disturbing you?" If she was super-duper-extra-fly, it would have been cool, but she was regular...maybe slightly above average...and, call me a moho or a loser, not as attractive as the 13-point 3rd quarter Odom had going.

After about 5-10 minutes I realized I was in deep, so i started asking questions. here are the most importanmt findings:

-- she took a Xanax earlier in her shift, "just because". (which is so Hernando.)
-- she started wearing boy shorts long before the other "followers" saw the girl in Common's "Go" video. (that revelation, mind you, was almost entirely unsolicited)
-- when she was yonger, she wanted to be Jamaican instead of Puerto Rican. (but that's what she gets for being born into a puerto rican family that chooses to live in Brooklyn...as if the Bronx is not right on the other end of Manhattan)

and then the essentials started trickling in...

-- i have two kids
-- but i'm so single

thats when i started thinkin, "uh-oh, I think she wants me to maker her hot and be a father to her children like Ed OG and the Bulldogs. But then she started hittin me with this info..

-- i have a five bedroom house
-- i work here 12 hours a week because i drink free and my friends come here and i like to keep my tips as cash in my pocket and otherwise i'd do nothing all day
-- i drive a 2004 lexus and here is my key in case u think i'm lying and, wait, hear that? that was the alarm sounding, since u seem to be a rather cynical guy.

so i obviously asked how she manages to care for all of this stuff as a less-than part time server at a Spring Hill Applebee's. thats when she hits me with this:

-- i've been married twice
-- both my exes make lots of money
-- i get most of it
-- one pays for the house and the other pays for my car
-- child supprt pays for the kids and our trips and my shopping, hahahahaa. (She chuckled for about 7 seconds, i used that time to 1) roll my eyes like a fag. 2) sneak a peak at the Lakers score. they were down 6. "dumb rican broad from Brooklyn...i mean really, what was keeping you from the Bronx?")

i was kinda speechless, but fascinated. this led to questions about her relationship steez and why she's had two failed marriages before 30.

-- i got married at 19. he was 26. i hated him by the time i was 20. but i had a kid because i was getting something oput of it and i wanted kids anyway and didnt need him to help raise it. (but she needed his dough because that shiftless damsel doesnt wanna work. she wants to take xanex and drink pina coladas)
-- i'm really tough to get along with.
-- at some point i would just get tired of them. they were just a**holes. they didnt cheat or anything.
-- if it (marriage) happens again, it'll be with a guy that like 45 or 50, well established. (and we know why)

she had a very arbitrary and trivial view of what had went down. and i just couldnt heklp but feel that, as my boy Chuck would say, "she won". the law is set up that way. woman says the situation is unliveable, woman gets the kids and the dough. those laws are there for a reason, because, of course, men take advantage of their wives all the time and if it werent for the law, a lot of wives and mothers woul be left in the lurch. but as with everything man-made, these laws are imperfect and there are women that straight-up-n-down take advantage of it.

this girl embodied everything Eric and Parish first spit about. i'll let them ride it out:

That's why she wheels the Benz[P] And you ride Greyhound
Oh, just your luck, they on strike
Take off the wedding band, put out the thumb, time to hitch-hike
And the more you walk the pain from your corns get bigger
(Now you know) Not to mess with a gold digger

Januarys with Twist

Witnesses don't celebrate holidays and it never really bothered me. Never really wanted to celebrate Xmas. Even though we were po growin up, Pops always managed to hit us with a toy or two at some point during the year. Thanksgiving wasn't the least bit of a desire, my extended fam stayed havin family dinners back in the day. 30 niggas at grandad's crib or 30 niggas at our crib, eatin at 8p even though everyone was told to come through 5p. Birthdays not a big deal, Moms did acknowledge it though. I mean, someone couldve caught a stray bullet on Ferry and Wholers or anything unforseen could happen, so as a fam we're always thankful that we lived another year. just no cake. and new year's is also something i always personally acknowledge.

mostly on some meditation type steez, though. like, where am i at and where am i going kinda thing. this past year i was sittin at the crib witha glass of shiraz and realized that for about the past 5 years or so, i've consistently been at a pretty important stage, which is the ill thing about being young. life is still new and your roads are still crissing and crossing and all that good stuff. it's been a bit of a blurse. the blessing being that its fun and exciting and fullfilling. the curse being that its not always convenient and can be frustrating at times.

blogs are self-indulgent...well, let me not blame it on the blog...i'm self-indulgent...so why don't we take a look back at where i was at and where i was headed the past coule Januarys.

Jan 2000 -- I had just finished the first semester of my junior year at University of Buffalo, but by the time the new millenium (or as people with big tongues or plain old niggas that can't talk like to call it, "the new minilinum")...anyways, by the time the new millenium came, I had already decided I was moving to DC. I had set the date of July 1. So thats where I was at, preparing to make this huge move away from the fam, friends, and everything. That was my first Dollar and a Dream move. Although, when July came, I don't think I had a dollar, but the Dream was still kickin.

Jan 2001 -- I had just got let go from my temp assignment and hadn't yet made a decision on where I was gonna finish school. I did however get a call from the temp agency for this job I thought was BS. "I ain't gonna be nobosy's secretary." I got in there and flipped it though. AFPA hired me in like March when my resume didn't really warrant it. they paid for the bulk of my schooling. I made friends. 2001 is when I started getting it, but at that time, in Jan, it was still tenuous. I didn't doubt myself or anything like that, but i'm sayin, it had been close to 6-months and i was broke and that much further away from my degree. It was all good though. Oh, and my nigga Rek had come through to visit, which was one of the all-time great visits. It was full of incredible happenings, like us walking from Rhode Island Ave station all the way to my crap-apartment in Bladensburg. and us getting accosted by a homeless Nazi in G'Town that was wearing size 22 kicks and he was probably a 12, which led to Rek walkin up to dude in front of the Daily Grill and literally folding the tip of sneakers over his feet so that it was touching the front of his ankle. a wildly good time that also included a couple 2am listening sessions where disected the bass-line on Badu's "Didn't Ya Know", I put Rek on to Billie Holiday and he put me on to Miles' "Ife" off the Big Fun album, which happens to sport my favorite album cover, which I had blown-up, matted, and framed. it hangs on my wall. Oh, and a visit from my sis Lyd.

Jan 2002 -- it had been a year at AFPA. i was makin dough. had started up Howard. kopped my Maxima. moved into my pad with the balcony and bought furniture. Me and my man Tony were plannin our trip to Europe for the summer. 2002 was gangsta.

Jan 2003 -- I had decided that i had to move on this college degree thang. so I was preparing to tell AFPA that I was gonna jet in the summer. that was gonna be a big move for, my second Dollar and a Dream decision. take out a loan, look for a gig and try to finish about 1.5 years of school in one year. and i had about half year to get ready

Jan 2004 -- i was working full-time as a nightime news aide with the Washington Post and preparing to start my last semester of school where i was slated for 24 credit hours, which included advanced spanish that i was horrified i'd flunk. i also founf out i'd be embarking on my first internship w/ the AJC, but only if i indeed graduated. anyways, 24 credit hours and full-time job put a hurtin on me, but i finished, graduated w/ my nigga Tony all my fam came through for the ceremony and then me, my sisters and my crew popped bottles and partied VIP at H20 that night. great year.

Jan 2005 -- preparing to head to Orlando for what I hoped to be my last internship. after finishing my AJC internship the previous summer, I came back to DC and got comfortable at the Post again, until my girl Keya hipped me to this winter joint in Orlando. it was a good move. went there and did some good stories, stuff that helped me get hired here and probably more importantly, met some cool people i count as friends now, which i never expected. that was a fun 4months.

anyways, i was preparing for that at the time. the internshiop started Jan. 10, i believe. meanwhile i was in NYC w/ my sisters and visiting friends, spending all my money the week before.

Jan 2006 -- which brings us to now. i'm here in Hernando. doin my thing. i guess my outlook right now is focused on bleeding this job for all its blood, looking forward to a move into the city when my lease is up in august and hopin to make a couple friends. thats the gist. i guess when i think about it, 2006 is the first year where i don't have anything huge planned or i'm not looking toward taking some huge step, outside of a job promotion, perhaps. somethin's gotta give though. i might need to shake things up. it just wouldnt be a Twist type of year if i didnt.

My Nigga Vince Young Yall

I just gotta get a couple sports oriented things out the way real quick.

-- yall know I brush my teeth with slick-playing guards in college, I like em' 6-2 - 6-4. Sometimes smaller. Over the past couple years I've had favs. Khalid El-Amin, Brandon Knight and most recently, my lil bro Chrissy, who by the way, is one of the top 4 or 5 points in the NBA.

Jason, Steven and Baron...those are the only kats you can snatch of lil Chris w/o much of an argument. As soon as u get into Stephon, Terrance Jerod, Gilbert, that French Pansy or anyone else, I'm dancin w/ my lil bro. His team running skills and offense orchestrating is like Miles during the Bitches Brew session when he was arranging electric jazz music with like, 100 musicians...he wasn't at his peak as an orchestrator, but you knew he was onto something.

With that said...my new college nigga is Foye fron Nova. Please check for him all year. He's a nightmare and a dream at the same time. with swagger, at that.

And then I got lil Dee. I'm not a big fan of his game or his build, but he's a lil street gangsta nigga from the Chi and he plays like it. I remember last season how my man Chuck -- always a fan of bruisers, whether it was Shaq, Barkley or simply Scott Skiles fouling someone hard -- was tellin me how Dee bullied lil Chris in their matchup last season. Just straight up got in his chest like a thug and asked "What now?" I didnt like it at the time, cause he was friskin my lil bro, but u gotta admire that kinda steez from a sub-6 kid.

--- and last but not least, Vince Young Yall. Thats his new name as far as I'm concerned. Because his presence must be announced and highlited whenever his name is mentioned. That Rose Bowl performance was an absolute fiasco. it was a disaster. it was criminal, it was heinous, it was filthy, it was nasty, it was debauched, it was magnificent.

Couldnt believe it. Youve all heard this by now, but I'm one of those people that will swear to u that I had no doubt, whatsoever, that he was scoring on that last drive. the dude is a revelation...like literally, a revelation. I felt like the apostle John watchin him Wednesday. There were times when I was covering my eyes 'cause sun was shinin so bright.

Now, I'm not going any further than that. don't know how sun is gonna do in the NFL. don't even wanna be one of the flipfloppers calling for a Heisman recount or anything. I'm just saying that I was mesmerized by his performance and no one has done that to me in college football since Desmond Howard. and this was on a whole nother level.

But the biggest thing is that he seems to be a good dude. he reminds me of some my country friends that i call cool *** country niggas. My niggas Josh and Glen from Charlotte come to mind first. Just some easy-going, good-natured, fun kats. You see my man Vince doing the male-version of the chicken head on stage? you hear my man in the middle of the field say he was bringin the trophy "Back to Austin baby!" and he said with that Houston, country-nigga inflection, too. And of course, lets not even talk about his reaction after he scored the go-ahead TD on 4th-5 w/ less than a minute in the 4th quarter. lets not get on how he didnt say one word, pump one fist, nothing. It was the illest touchdown celebration, maybe ever. Dude was in a straight trance and cradled the football like it was his baby. It was like he was meditating on the moment and didnt wanna ruin it gettin crunk, but he was also so gangsta that he didnt have to, since it was clear that he just made history.

I'm a fan people. i don't care if he's out of the NFL after his first year, I'm forever a fan.

Bear with me

today is the last day of this blog hibernation. I swear, I promise. Remember when Jeremiah, the biblical Jeremiah, tried to bite his tongue and keep from procaliming the truth and God's judgement? But it burned in his soul like a white-hot flame? Well, this is nothing that noble, serious, noteworthy or untrivial...I just gotta bang out this one last story that I've been wanting to do for three years now and after that we're back to buisiness.

Until then, Vince Young for President.