Crazy Musicians and the D Train

Yesterday, on my commute home, a bum boarded the train at 59th street. This is a prime stop for the subway acts hoping to get some pity money, since the D is an express and it travels all the way from 59th to 125th without one stop. So that's about five minutes of unfettered access to anyone willing to pay attention. This key because, on normal routes, there are stops every minute, so a trio of acrobatic teens from Southside Queens can't get through a full breakdance routine or a group of sombrero'd Mexicans will get their rendition of Guantanamera cut short, right around the time that the shortest one starts a solo he'd inevitably flub.

Anyways, this makes the rush-hour D a prime train for entertainment. Sometimes the entertainers are actually talented. Often, they are just nutcases looking to score a few pennies for their next hit, pint of Wild Irish Rose, pack of smokes…or double-cheeseburger, if they're responsible.

Monday evening, as I was listening to the new will.i.am on my pod, I noticed the people I was facing were sort of cracking smirks. I turned around and there was this 6-5 crazy-dude, on all fours, playing a Casio keyboard and blowing the clarinet.

Let me say that this was a fascinating performance. I'm still a new New Yorker, but even I have grown tired of most of these performances, specifically on the train ride home. But, at my core, I'm a sucker for loose-screw bread-baskets getting' it in.

Forget for a moment that Manfred (that's what my Pops calls all anonymous people when he's referring to them in derogatory terms) was the same height as Ray Allen and kneeling in the aisle playing a Casio keyboard. Focus on the fact that he had programmed it to play a house-techno-club backbeat, something sounds similar to "My Humps".

Also focus on the fact that throughout his number, he'd pose existential questions to an imaginary woman name Miranda, which was some computerized women that lived in his Casio. Miranda would always answer "Yeeessss", in a breathy, porn voice.

Forget that he was playing a clarinet to add texture to this diddy. Pay attention that homeboy was straight incredible with it, blowin Trane-like solos over a beat that sounds like he kopped it off Jamiroquai's last album.

He'd also randomly hit us with maxims. My favorite being:

I do not steal
I do not rob
But I wish like hell that I had your job.
Your job, your job, your job, your job.

He did this in a "My Humps" cadence, while pointing at each passenger with one hand and droppin ill, mood-setting synthesizer chords with the other.

Forget that his voice was eerily similar to Gil Scott Heron and focus on the fact that he looked Gill Scott Heron as well.

This brings me to a point that I've spent a lot of time thinking about over the years: I bet that 30-40% of the crazies in this world are former musicians. Not singers or writers or producers -- musicians and songwriters. People that play instruments. To think of some of the stuff they consistently speak through their instruments -- well, I think you gotta handle that stuff in an altered mindstate. Miles was high off blow throughout the 70s. George Clinton was an acid addict. Jimmy popped mo' pills than a little bit. Who knows what Prince was on from 1982-1989. This is why Stevie Wonder is such a marvel.

Anyways…those drugs will wear a brain down and, next thing you know, you're Manfred, kneeling on the D, blowin clarinet.

Manfred, for what it's worth, did not even receive a dirty nickel from the D Train passengers.

McNabb and black quarterbacks

This was actually what I emailed a colleague of mine in the sports media industry on this whole McNabb issue of whether or not black quarterbacks face more criticism. My nig, Gee, has been on my case about throwin out my thoughts. This is basically it. Let me know what yall think...

-- I don't know if I believe that black qbs get more criticism thanwhite qbs, as in: "We get heckled and lambasted and white qbs areeating cake." In fact, I know I don't believe that. All qbs -- eventhe great ones with blond hair and blue eys -- get scrutinized andcriticized. qbs like Manning and Favre get their fair share ofcriticism. But ask yourself this: If Favre was black, would he stillbe getting the carte-Blanche from Green Bay fans and brass? I thinkthe answer to that question is almost obviously no. Green Bay fans aredrawn to Favre's middle-American charm...they are not drawn to VinceYoung "walkin' it out" as a TD celebration. So successive 20-INTseasons are getting him axed or metaphorically lynched. Yes, RexGrossman gets bludgeoned and his squad went to the Super Bowl, buthe's also a very average qb. McNabb, for a 5-year string, was one ofthe 3 or 4 best qbs, yet the scrutiny he was under and criticism hereceived was pretty intense.

-- a quick theory: if an athlete looks, behaves, sounds, believes,exists similar to you or your crew or your fam, you're gonna give themmore benefit of the doubt. If you think someone is cool, you're lessquick to judge or critique. America, much of it, thinks/thought Favrewas/is cool. They thought this about Bradshaw. They think this aboutBrady and Brees. Buffalonians felt this way about Kelly. So if thesefolks threw 300 yards and 2 TDs to an anemic receiving corps, whilemaybe butchering a fourth quarter drive and throwin a pick or two, butstill WIN -- even in Philly -- I doubt they'd get McNabb's reactions.Remember: They boo'd him on Draft day. They didn't want him.Speaking of which...

-- real quick story about race relations in Philly, because I hearpeople bringing up Schmidt as an example of a great Philly ball-playerthat was boo'd. And that's cool, but it's known that Schmidt wasaloof and some of his actions (or lack thereof) left room for Phillyfans to misinterpret. McNabb, mind you, is a good guy. He's corny,but good: polite, affable, good work ethic, respectful, etc. But there are very intense racial divides in Philly. This is allexemplified by Geno's -- perhaps the most famous spot for cheesesteaksin the whole city. Me and the crew always roll down to that part of South Street to cop some cheesesteaks when we're in town gallivantingaround. But we always purposely cross the street and get our steaksfrom the other tourist-trap, Jim's. We go to Jim's because Geno'sfeatures a big plaque of a dead police officer, with the words"murdered by Mumia Adult-Jamal." This floored me the first time I sawit. Mumia, in the black community is Exhibit A of the corrupt legaland judicial system and one of the all-time lightning rods between thecommunity and the police (much like Amadou Diallo in NYC). The shortversion of Mumia's long story is that he was convicted of killingofficer David Faulkner (white). Many feel he was wrongfully convictedand sentenced. Others (perhaps just as mny), feel he's guily, or, atthe very least, received his due process and folks should shut and letMumia rot in jail for his life sentence. This was/is an internationalstory. To post such an inflammatory statement ("murdered by MumiaAbdul-Jamal") in front of an establishment that serves thousands ofblacks and/or people that support Mumia's cause is indicative of thebrazen chasm between Philly ethnic communities. If I had to wagermoney, I'd bet that men of the Geno's ilk don't want a McNabb playingthe most important and high-profile position on their squad. ThisCOULD very well be the case in many other cities.

-- I think to really look at this issue we have to start at thefoundation. The foundation indicates to a dude like me that America,although increasingly more tolerant of black qbs, still wants thatposition to stay dominated by white males. (this is going somewhere.)I think this because it seems to be the way American perceptions andchoices operate in mostly all sectors of our secular lives. It seemslike the collective American conscience believes that we should belead by white men. This is true of our CEOs, Presidents, Senators,coaches, captains, star actors, pilots and, most definitely, qbs.Now, Costas, like many Americans, said that it's only fair torecognize the strides that America has made recently. And yes, thereare instances that belie a shift in tolerance and maybe even anoticeable shift in ideology. The Democratic presidential nomineewill either be a woman or a black man (we'll see if either wins,though). Back in the day, Sidney Portier was the only black man given"leading man" roles in Hollywood. Now you have Will Smith, Denzel,Cheadle, Foxx and Terrance Howard. Bob Johnson is an owner. TonyDungy is a Super Bowl winner. Rappers own their own labels, Jay-Z isDef Jam's CEO. There are black surgeons, pilots, CEOs, etc. Thepercentages in all these fields are very low, but progress is beingmade to accommodate those with UNDENIABLE talent.

-- These things bring me to another aspect of this discussion. 1.)Take Hollywood, for instance. You have dudes with moderate talent,like, say, Josh Lucas or Jude Law, who get role after role after role,while black men of equal or greater talent struggle for worthwhileroles. Why? Because studios worry about bankability. Why? Becausethe American public has shown, with their dollars, that they'd rathersee a poorly acted film with Lucas, than a stellar acted film withCheadle.And 2.) Blacks are given shorter leashes for leadership roles becausethe prevailing reception is one of, what I perceive to be,conditioned-skepticism. It's like, "OK, Let's see if he can get thisdone." If Fred Thompson becomes President, that won't be the"prevailing air", it will be, however, with Obama. That was the"prevailing air" with Willingham, but not with Weiss. What this doesis create an atmosphere of impatience, second-guessing and criticism.Willingham's head would be on a silver platter getting carved anddivvied up to the Domer boosters at a banquet hall right now. Forqbs, it means that black qbs typically get pulled (again, what Iperceive to be) faster, are out of the league faster and deal with afan base that moves more quickly to the "he's not the one, getsomebody else in here."Buffalo is very similar to Philly, maybe not as extreme, but verysimilar in that Buffalonians love their squads, but are very tough onthe players. Thurman Thomas was constantly skewered here. Jim Kelly(very similar to Donovan in that they're qbs that have moments offrustrating ineptitude, but far greater instances of excellence) wasrevered here. If Kelly played in Philly, the fans would ride withhim. I'm sure of this. If Donovan played here in Buffalo, the fanswould kill him.

-- I think there's an attitude of: "We're not racist, we're not goingto begrudge you a chance to play qb, but we still don't know if youfellas are equipped, so you better prove us wrong." That's what itis...with coaches, qbs, senators...it's a "prove us wrong" attitude.That leads to unfair criticism

-- I think, in the end, it's the overall treatment that is differentfor blacks and not, specifically, the level of criticism. For onething, there are fewer black qbs, so when one of them gets criticized,it's going to seem more concentrated.

-- You know, it's like television and film. There is room for theridiculously dumb films like Soul Plane or television shows likeFlavor of Love, as long as there are quality films and shows thatbalance those Stepin Fetchit images with smart comedies and compellingdramas, which we rarely get (I point to my favorite TV station forprogramming, HBO, which is premiering around 10 new shows this year,none of which focus on minority story lines. shameful.). So in theNFL, Grossman and Pennington get KILLED, but Manning and Palmer andBrady get praised. One white qb may get prematurely yanked from astarting spot, only to have another white qb take his job or seeanother white qb in another market afforded the opportunity to playthrough his struggles for the whole season. But when there are only ahandful of black qbs in the league and they're getting skewered bylocal press/fans, locked out of training facilities, etc...well, it'seasy to see why/how McNabb could make such a statement.

-- one last thing...did you see those childhood pictures of McNabb?He wasn't winning any best looking contests. His head is shaped likean eggplant, which has made it almost impossible for him to find ahaircut that works. His afro was deplorable. His braids were a sadcharade. And his baldy is disconcerting. He should just wear hishelmet in all interviews and commercials. (speaking of NFL playerswearing helmets in commercials

This is no Dream Team

My latest piece for SLAM. This one blog-style compaing the Dream Team from '92 (MJ, Magic, Bird, Barkley) and this year's Team USA (Kobe, Bron, Melo). My boy's were clownin me one day saying that 1.) I don't blog enough and 2.) I sit around twiddling my thumbs all day. They said if my time is taken up writing elsewhere, I should post links...so here's one...

'07 Team USA vs '96 Olympic squad

Idiocracy

I had the pleasure of viewing Idiocracy the other day. Idiocracy is a film from Mike Judge who gave us all the gift that is Office Space and the 90s gem (or garbage, depending on your take) Beavis and Butthead. The premise -- in short -- is that Luke Wilson and Maya Rudolph are accidentally cryogenically frozen for 500 years and after a a trash avalance (literally) their pods are opened in the year 2550 to a world full of idiots. Luke Wilson was a very average slacker by today's standards and Rudolph was a 'stute (my short-term for prostitute) whose pimp was played by Scarface, who went by the name of Upgraydde. This slacker and prostitute were relative geniuses in 2550, surrounded by a bunch of low-brow retards. The population became overwhlemingly stupid -- as the story has it -- because during our day, the dumb, dense and stupid continued to breed at alrming rates, while intelligent humans were either preoccupied by careers, only had one child or the cruel gods rendered capable men impotent and the capable women were cursed with barren wombs.

All the questionable and concerning trends of today spiraled to comical and ridiculous depths. You should check the flick, its comedy.

What I found most entertaining was Judge's version of the most stupid Americans, namely: poor white trash, immigrants (primarily mexicans), frat-boy jocks and blondes. Conspicuosly absent from most of his satire were niggas, who can rival any underbelly-underclass when it comes to sheer ignorance and irresponsible baby-making, thus the perpetuation of a dumbing down of the human population. I guess us blacks has straight gangsta'd guilt-ridden whites into straight submission when it comes to making fun of us, whch is why a chick like Sarah Silverman is at once jarring/uncomfortable (and kinda sexy), but definitely fresh.

Anyways...before I fully digress...I found this fantasy world that Judge created to be not that farfetched. Poor and stupid people make a ton babies, partly because sex is a fun diversion from a pitiful life, partly because contraception is expensive, partly because -- if college, private school, family vacations, little league, dance classes, etc arent a part of your version of your version of child-rearing -- tax write-offs can help. I read a story in the NY Times that said SAT scores dropped across the board...they dropped because more kids are taking them...I read that as, more regular, stupid, porr kids are taking the SATs. I absolutely believe that as America's population explodes, it's exploding with dumb folks. I meet less smart people everyday.

When is the last time you met someone and said to yourself, "Wow, that person seems sharp"?? But how do you meet or encounter someone -- say a hillbilly with a mullet or some schmuck rockin his jeans around his knees which forces him to waddle like a cripple with two broken hips -- and say, "That is one ignorant lout"??

There's only one way to reverse this troubling freefall toward a world full of rubes: all intelligent women, come and mate with your boy Twist, Big Love style. Will build a nation full of jerks with an obesity gene, but at least we'll bright.