Asian Pickup Basketball
Yesterday I was at Alumni Arena, trying to shed the weight I've gained over the winter which is equivalent to a fat 10-year-old. I've "gained a fat 10-year-old" over the past 4 or 5 months. It's sad. At any rate, my normal routine at the gym is to co about 30 minutes of cardio, hit a few machines, go play some ball and then hit the sauna.
Because it's finals time for most of the kids, the campus, specifically the arena and gym, are like ghosts towns around this time. So when I hit the court to put a few shots, the only cats playing were a group of Asians, with the few requisite girlfriends standing on the sidelines looking demure and afraid of the big black man that just walked in the gym wearing a hoodie.
Depending on how much ball you play, where you play, what city you're in and a few other variables, you have varying degrees of familiarity with the phenomenon that is Asians playing ball. The best place to take this in is on the campuses of huge state schools, in my case we're talking University of Buffalo. Asians probably make up 10%-15% of the student body. Now, when you're talking about 25,000 students, that means anywhere between 2,000 and 4,000 young Asians walking around campus with 4.0 GPAs and fuel-efficient cars.
I have a theory and it's that foreign studying Asians don't party. I never see large groups of Asian kids at the college hangout spots. I suspect, in the most ignorant manner possible -- that they are either studying or doing something far less damaging that whisky shots. One of these things is playing basketball -- an abhorrently poor brand of basketball.
When it comes to basketball -- the Asians come out at night. You won't see them too often during the day, when the gym courts are packed with pickup games. And it's for two good reasons: 1.) they'd like to save this leisure activity as a evening substitute for normal college revelry and .....
Asians Only Play Basketball With Other Asians
I have yet to see even a token black or white male playing in an Asian pickup game. It's startling to walk on a court -- no matter where or when -- and see that one HALF of the court being used by a group of Asians and only Asians.
You want some other hallmarks of Asian basketball? here they go...
Asians Will Never -- Under Any Circumstances -- Play Full Court Basketball
They adhere to this rule with fastidious and comical conviction. I have no idea why. You'd think with their healthy diets and slender frames that a good game of full court wouldn't be a problem, but then you recognize what's holding them back...
Asians Don't Know How To Dribble A Basketball Like An Adult Male
Have you ever seen toddlers or grade school kids try to run while dribbling a basketball? It's cute isn't it? Tey fumble the ball, have to turn around and go retrieve it, then start the process over again. Well, when you're dealing with young adult Asian men, it's not cute, it's tragic. They lose the ball dribbling it so high over their shoulders that it drifts over their head. Some throw caution and rules to the win and dribble with two hands if the awkwardly physical Asian defense gets too tight. For a group of Asians to play full court would be a grave sight, for it would entail the ball never passing half court, or men straight picking up the ball and running or dribbling with two hands, like, say, Richard Simmons or some other gay blade that never bothered mastering the insanely difficult skill of bouncing a ball. You'd think those scientific Asian minds could master the mechanics of bouncing a ball.
Anyways, to ensure some fluidity to the game, they only play half-court basketball, which sometimes gets ridiculous because....
Asians Never Bother Putting A Ceiling On How Many Dudes Can Play At Once
These niggas will play 10-on-10 -- no bull. I once saw a group of Asians playing 6-on-6 halfcourt. Do you know how insane that is? yes, they're a typically diminutive ethnic gender and, yes, they're used to living in cities like Tokyo and Beijing, where there are 50 million people living in a city the size Yonkers...but still, what about rules? It's disconcerting to see 15 Asians frantically running around a halfcourt, double-dribbling and shooting up airballs.
These dude will also pull out a 4-on-3 with no problem, like they're 10 and one of the dudes is 16. Remember how that might have went back in the day? We had a dude like that in my crew. He was, like, 25 years older than everyone, so sometimes, if number were uneven, he'd count as two people. Well, all that trash stopped when we reached junior high. It doesn't for young Asian men. If 9 of them roll up to the court on a Thursday night, then it's gonna be a 5-on-4 scrubfest.
It's a scrubfest because they have the weirdest games. For instance...
I've Never Seen An Asian Successfully Make a Layup
There are only a few conclusions to an Asian Drive and none of them include actually making the layup. After the Asian has double dribbled his way to the basket, he will either shoot it over the backboard, violent scoop it to hit the bottom of the backboard or get tackled by the Asian defending him..at which no foul will be called, they will simply get up and continue playing.
Also....
On The Court, Asians Will Neither Stand Upright Or Jump When They Shoot
Seriously, they are always in a crouching position. Perhaps this comes from martial arts training. What this does, however, is totally prohibit them from ever making a pass that leads to a bucket, what is known as an "assist". Asians play assistless games, namely because they're always crouched, unable to see the floor and the fact that the teammate they pass to knows neither how to dribble or complete a layup.
They also never jump when they shoot. And because the defender is always playing either butts-to-nuts or crotch-to-crotch defense, this leads to an inordinate amount of blocked shots, which always leads to EVERY player on the court pursuing the loose-ball. That means that almost every possession there will be a moment when anywhere between 8-22 Asians make a mad dash for the up-for-grabs ball. It's chaos, I tell you.
You know what else bothers me?...
Asians Let Girlfriends Play
And they are usually still dressed in their school gear -- jeans, flip flops, tank tops. I once saw a girlfriend playing with her winter jacket on. This displeased me. Here i thought Asians came from a strict patriarchal society where broads knew there place, but they come stateside and get all egalitarian on me. "Sure, we need another body so we can make this an 8-on-8 halfcourt game...and do us a favor Sun, we need to legitimize this game, so keep on your parka."
I hope I don't/didn't come off bigoted/prejudice/ignorant with any of this. I mean, at the end of the day, Asians, Too, Is A Beautiful Thang
Because it's finals time for most of the kids, the campus, specifically the arena and gym, are like ghosts towns around this time. So when I hit the court to put a few shots, the only cats playing were a group of Asians, with the few requisite girlfriends standing on the sidelines looking demure and afraid of the big black man that just walked in the gym wearing a hoodie.
Depending on how much ball you play, where you play, what city you're in and a few other variables, you have varying degrees of familiarity with the phenomenon that is Asians playing ball. The best place to take this in is on the campuses of huge state schools, in my case we're talking University of Buffalo. Asians probably make up 10%-15% of the student body. Now, when you're talking about 25,000 students, that means anywhere between 2,000 and 4,000 young Asians walking around campus with 4.0 GPAs and fuel-efficient cars.
I have a theory and it's that foreign studying Asians don't party. I never see large groups of Asian kids at the college hangout spots. I suspect, in the most ignorant manner possible -- that they are either studying or doing something far less damaging that whisky shots. One of these things is playing basketball -- an abhorrently poor brand of basketball.
When it comes to basketball -- the Asians come out at night. You won't see them too often during the day, when the gym courts are packed with pickup games. And it's for two good reasons: 1.) they'd like to save this leisure activity as a evening substitute for normal college revelry and .....
Asians Only Play Basketball With Other Asians
I have yet to see even a token black or white male playing in an Asian pickup game. It's startling to walk on a court -- no matter where or when -- and see that one HALF of the court being used by a group of Asians and only Asians.
You want some other hallmarks of Asian basketball? here they go...
Asians Will Never -- Under Any Circumstances -- Play Full Court Basketball
They adhere to this rule with fastidious and comical conviction. I have no idea why. You'd think with their healthy diets and slender frames that a good game of full court wouldn't be a problem, but then you recognize what's holding them back...
Asians Don't Know How To Dribble A Basketball Like An Adult Male
Have you ever seen toddlers or grade school kids try to run while dribbling a basketball? It's cute isn't it? Tey fumble the ball, have to turn around and go retrieve it, then start the process over again. Well, when you're dealing with young adult Asian men, it's not cute, it's tragic. They lose the ball dribbling it so high over their shoulders that it drifts over their head. Some throw caution and rules to the win and dribble with two hands if the awkwardly physical Asian defense gets too tight. For a group of Asians to play full court would be a grave sight, for it would entail the ball never passing half court, or men straight picking up the ball and running or dribbling with two hands, like, say, Richard Simmons or some other gay blade that never bothered mastering the insanely difficult skill of bouncing a ball. You'd think those scientific Asian minds could master the mechanics of bouncing a ball.
Anyways, to ensure some fluidity to the game, they only play half-court basketball, which sometimes gets ridiculous because....
Asians Never Bother Putting A Ceiling On How Many Dudes Can Play At Once
These niggas will play 10-on-10 -- no bull. I once saw a group of Asians playing 6-on-6 halfcourt. Do you know how insane that is? yes, they're a typically diminutive ethnic gender and, yes, they're used to living in cities like Tokyo and Beijing, where there are 50 million people living in a city the size Yonkers...but still, what about rules? It's disconcerting to see 15 Asians frantically running around a halfcourt, double-dribbling and shooting up airballs.
These dude will also pull out a 4-on-3 with no problem, like they're 10 and one of the dudes is 16. Remember how that might have went back in the day? We had a dude like that in my crew. He was, like, 25 years older than everyone, so sometimes, if number were uneven, he'd count as two people. Well, all that trash stopped when we reached junior high. It doesn't for young Asian men. If 9 of them roll up to the court on a Thursday night, then it's gonna be a 5-on-4 scrubfest.
It's a scrubfest because they have the weirdest games. For instance...
I've Never Seen An Asian Successfully Make a Layup
There are only a few conclusions to an Asian Drive and none of them include actually making the layup. After the Asian has double dribbled his way to the basket, he will either shoot it over the backboard, violent scoop it to hit the bottom of the backboard or get tackled by the Asian defending him..at which no foul will be called, they will simply get up and continue playing.
Also....
On The Court, Asians Will Neither Stand Upright Or Jump When They Shoot
Seriously, they are always in a crouching position. Perhaps this comes from martial arts training. What this does, however, is totally prohibit them from ever making a pass that leads to a bucket, what is known as an "assist". Asians play assistless games, namely because they're always crouched, unable to see the floor and the fact that the teammate they pass to knows neither how to dribble or complete a layup.
They also never jump when they shoot. And because the defender is always playing either butts-to-nuts or crotch-to-crotch defense, this leads to an inordinate amount of blocked shots, which always leads to EVERY player on the court pursuing the loose-ball. That means that almost every possession there will be a moment when anywhere between 8-22 Asians make a mad dash for the up-for-grabs ball. It's chaos, I tell you.
You know what else bothers me?...
Asians Let Girlfriends Play
And they are usually still dressed in their school gear -- jeans, flip flops, tank tops. I once saw a girlfriend playing with her winter jacket on. This displeased me. Here i thought Asians came from a strict patriarchal society where broads knew there place, but they come stateside and get all egalitarian on me. "Sure, we need another body so we can make this an 8-on-8 halfcourt game...and do us a favor Sun, we need to legitimize this game, so keep on your parka."
I hope I don't/didn't come off bigoted/prejudice/ignorant with any of this. I mean, at the end of the day, Asians, Too, Is A Beautiful Thang
posted by Twistinado @ 2:15 PM
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