Shuttin Up Buppies

One of my epiphanies while revisiting DC was that I might be a buppie now. I could see this coming from a socioeconomic level, but part of me started to feel like my spirit and disposition was going the way of a buppie.

Buppie is the term used for Black Yuppies. And my generation is begining to explode with them. One of the most profound assertions in that Washington Post series on black men was the acknowledgement of the development-chasm. This current group of American black men are achieving greater success than ever before, but also stooping to the most depressing lows post-Reconstruction. The divide makes me emotional. It also shines a light on this new black-class.

Across the board, I tend to find buppies pretty insufferable. They behave like aristocrats, like elitist. And it's really on some BS. I used to love how us Howard folk called southeast Washingtonians "the locals". It was so haughty. Buppies operate in another world, too. Totally oblivious to things, so often. It's like, "One Question". So you can see why this realization that I might be a buppie -- in spirit -- troubles me.

So I'm embarking upon a public service of sorts. When you meet a buppie and they start giving you the buisiness or come with that "holier than thou" BS you can hit them these two sentiments, typified by two of my favorite movie lines of all time.

--- "Well, you somebody's nigga. Wearin this nigga tie."
We all know this gem from 40-Year-Old Virgin. It comes during an exchange at Smart Tech between a customer, played by Kevin Hart, and Smart Tech salesman Jay, played by the dude who played MC Hammer (Romany Malco). Hart's character hits Jay with this stinging character assesment and patronizingly flips Jay's tie when saying it, too. It stands as one of the most gangsta putdowns I've come across -- and I could write a book about how to put somebody down.

In this exchange, Hart is actually being the Initial Nigga. He's initiating nigga-behavior, by trying to guilt Jay into compromising his job by offering him (hart) a perk on his electronics purchase. Hart tries to subtly G his way into the perk, saying, "And I'm gonna need that 3-year warranty for the price of...'On the house.'" Niggas like to do that to other blacks. Unscrupulously use our common heritage/culture and skin-color to get some extras, even if its at the expense of professionalism and, ultimately, morality. Of course, whites take it one step further and don't even request these type of things, they tend to take it by instituting varying degrees of enslavement...but niggas always think they're being slick when they use the "We black" rhetoric.

Anyways, Hart says he wants the warranty "for the price of 'On the House'" (a hilarious line). Jay responds, "I can't do that." You can tell by how his head drops, voice lowers, eyes sink and posture slumps that he feels somewhat saddened by the reality that 1.) he has no power to hook this brotha up, and 2.) this black man would use this avenue to get over on him.

Hart is not impressed with Jay's principals. And he's a bit miffed that this fellow black man is upholding the rules of the establishment. So Hart says (here comes another gem), "Oh come on, now. Don't be a negro, be my nigga."

This sets Jay off. "Oh see, now, I ain't nobody's nigga." The buppie came screaming out of him.

Hart put the dude in his place though. Because Hart saw right through the buppie-indignation. Which is why he told Jay, "Well, you somebody's nigga. Wearin this nigga tie."

It was like, "Negro please. You aint nobody's nigga? You? Up in this electronics store rockin a uniform makin pennies on the dollar and YOU aint nobody's nigga? Quit the charade."

It's not that Jay should ever feel like he's somebody's nigga, but it was that buppie-selfrighteousness that caused Hart to react the way he did. See, Hart was a regular nigga in every sense of the word. The type of dude that purposely steps on a buppie's $1,000 shoes at the club, hopin the buppie wants beef. More than anything he had the "who do u seriously think u r" look on his face, even if it was totally uncalled for and his request for a warranty "for the price of 'On the House'" was as unscrupulous as it gets.

But, every now and then, Buppies need these cold buckets of water slapped across their sly-smirking grills every. In today's America, a buppie is still a nigga, trust that. A lot of times, these comments will incense a buppie, but they'll keep thinkin about it later on...maybe switch up their steez. "You know what, that dude was right. I am somebody's nigga."

I remember I was walkin down Connecticut Ave in downtown DC one afternoon. it was Feb 2001 and my nigga Rek had come visit me. We were on our way to the indie theater on 19th street. That's when a bum walked up and asked for some dough. I usually drop a black bum some change. Sometimes I even stand and kick it wit em for a second, I'm serious. But I had no change this day, so I said, "I can;t do nuttin for u man." He pressed though, but my answer reamined the smae. "Naa, dude, I have no change. It's not happenin." I probably got a little irritated and came off kinda siddity. That's when the bum stared me and rek down, raised his fist in a black-power salute and said i a sarcastic, yet disciplinarian manner, "Stay black brothas! Just stay black!" Then he dropped his fist and walked off the way black men walk off when they want u to know that they just put u in your place: he dropped both arms behind his back with his hands bent to form an 'L' with his forearms. Turned his body to the side and started sidesteppin backwards, never taking his eyes off us. It's a classic black-man move. It's like an emcee growling "m*thaf**ka" at the end of his verse or the way Miles would leave, like, 5 seconds of silent space after an especially piercing note. When the emcee punctuates his verse with the rated-R expletive, he's letting u know that what he spit should be taken in a very real way. Miles, outside of borrowing from Thelonious Monk's use of space and time, never had any real reason to leave that much space after one of his legendary notes of filth, but he'd leave that space to smugly let his point seep in. The Blackman's Sideways Retreat is a physical manifestation of this communication tactic.

Now, the black bum didn't know the first thing about me and Rek. Yeah, we had coffee in our hands and we were headed to an indie theater, but we were Timb'd up, too. and Rek was gnawing on one of his trademark chewsticks (he was a Gza-fan). But it was the way we reatced to this black bum. He prolly thought we didnt feel his struggle. Prolly thought we considered ourselves better than him (we obviously did). As far as he was concerned, that made us some Uncle Tom niggas and he implored us to "Stay Black", a common phrase in the community. By telling us to "Stay Black", when he obviously was really telling us to "Get Black", and by raising his fist ina "black power salute", then peering at us in the midst of the Black Man Retreat, it was his way of reminding us that we were "somebody's nigga".

Now, I don;t think Rek and I were on no buppie steez. Rek, actually, isnt a buppie at all. Not in a socioeconomic way and definitely not in spirit. And I wasn't a buppie at that time either (still dont think I am). But that encounter will stay with me forever. It was hilarious at the time and remains hilarious. But, aside from the comic-ripples, its been the only way I like to come at buppies: telling them to stay black. That was until recently, when these two movie lines slapped me all in the face.

So, next time a buppie is feeling themselves a little too much, remind them that -- in undoubtedly more aspects of their life then they'd care to admit -- theyre wearing a "nigga tie"

--- "You heard me, Coltrane."
Just absolutely, positively the most immortal, snide, sly, snarky, clever remark I've ever heard. Somehow, Gene Hackman and Wes Anderson found a way to use the last name of, perhaps, the greatest jazz musician ever as a racial epithet. A man (Coltrane) that had more soul than Donny Hathaway and Ossie Davis combined, was somehow flipped to be derogatory. It was genius.

This line occurred in The Royal Tennenbaums. I won't get into what the movie was about. But in this particular scene, Hackman (Royal Tennenbaum) is pressing Danny Glover about pushing up on his ex-wife. Since Hackman and his wife were seperated, Glover was moving in on Angelica Huston (Etheline Tennebaum). Glover played a character named Henry Sherman. He wanted to get with Etheline. In this instance, though, I can;t really call it the Good Life. I don;t think Sherman had a complex. But he was one of those black-bourgeosie niggas. He stayed in a suit. Rocked a bow-tie. Spoke an American's version of the king's english. he took himself very seriously. and he judged Royal. Royal was a cheat, he was selfish and he was coniving. Sherman had a hunch that Royal was using a fake sickness to procure housing from his family. Royal knew Sherman was onto him, knew Sherman thought he was better than him, knew Sherman was trying get at Etheline and didn;t take kindly to Sherman denuding him in front of his family.

So there was a scene in the kicthen. The ish was prepared to hit the fan. Sherman was ready to snitch on Royal and reveal his dishonest deeds. If I recall correctly, though, Sherman says something to Etheline. Hackman, in a fit of petty jealous asks Sherman, "You tryin to steal my woman?" Now, Etheline is not his woman, but this all gets at the white man's territorial protection of the white woman and the demand for black men to keep far away. Royal can;t stomach that this self-righteous, holy-rollin black man is tryin to get his ex-wife. So he asked Sherman the aforementioned question.

Sherman responded with an incredulous, nose-in-the air, "What?!?!"

Hackman puts on that sly grin of his, stared Glover down and snapped "You heard me, Coltrane"

GENIUS!!!!!! See, why call a bow-tie, suit wearin negro like Sherman a "nigga"? Doesn;t fit. Instead, Royal took both an artform and a man -- jazz and Coltrane -- associated with astute and progressive blacks and, in one genius-swoop, let Sherman know that I see right through the buppie exterior. "You heard me, Coltrane." or, in other words, "Don't get strong-n-sassy with me you high-post negro." In this case, it might have been more scathing than callin Sherman a nigga, because he put Sherman and his "looking-glass self" on the couch and chopped him down to size.

With this new generation of blacks, we got a lot of Coltranes walkin around. A lot of India Aries. And a buppie favorite is to ask rhetorical questions when they feel theyve been approached wrong or treated in a way that demeans their high character. They ask questions like, "Excuse Me?" Or "Beg your Pardon?" or "Are you kidding me?" or, simply, "What?"

That's when you let em know, "You heard me, Coltrane."