What A Groupie Wants

A lovely GQ is on magazine stands as I type. Professor Will Ferrell is on the cover, in a sky-blue polo shirt, unbottoned all the way, so that his chest hair is showing and he's rocking yellow coochie-cutters that outline his crotch-goods. He's on a beach with two BAD latina numbers in bikinis. Inside this July issue is tons of good reading. Tom Carson on Depp. Another good Donahue joint on the workplace, etc. But none better than an article on Willy. It's like nothing I've seen. It reads like a Behind The Music or Biography on the History Channell, except Jason Gay leaves bunches of portions of the story blank and has Will Ferrell fill them in. I know, right? Genius. Because you know Will went bonkers. A couple excepts (with Will's insertion in italics):

"Back in the old days, Ferrell drove a golf cart. He ate his meals at Ralphs Supermarket, and his only dream was that one day he'd get to design a line of throwing knives made out of shark cartilage."

"Finally, there is the uncomfortable truth of his recent arrest for possession of illegal snakes and his painful public admission that he has "a problem with the booger sugar."

That's two of about 200 that had me laughing out loud, even as my gums throbbed from the pulled wisdom teeth.

But enough about William, on to the subject at hand: Groupies. There is also a story in this GQ about NBA Groupies. There are apparently four levels of groupiedom: The Gutter Girls are the worse. One level up are the Working Girls, then the Fly Girls and then the Upper Crust. Gutter Girls tend to be unattractive, looser than the loosest and used only an orifices by the average NBA baller. Working Girls actually have a lil bit of their own dough and try to appear to be high fashioned and only come out during things like All-Stars or when high profile teams are in town. But they ain't gettin at no NBA kat on the reg. Fly Girls are probably on the same level as your average video-chick, but maybe a lil less fly than the broad that plays the lead role in a Usher video. Those girls might actually have a chance to be wifey. Fly Girls are just bangin broads that perform services, but are fly enough to get services and gifts, maybe a few dates in return. Upper Crust are Eva Longorias and Vannessa Williams and rich white girls. They can marry these men.

The details of this article (straight from the hookers' mouths) are sordid, no less than PG-13. It also comes with tips for aspiring groupies. Sage advice, such as: Don't be shy. If your going to perform on one baller, you might do well to do so for half the squad. You'll probably read this article and toggle between shock-n-awe, bewildered amusement and depression. Because most of these women are, of course, black and...I mean, how and why? We actually know the answers, but it's still mystifying and sad.

Nevertheless, this article got me to thinking...what is the most desired class of public star to groupies. What, indeed, does a groupie want? An athlete? A rapper? Or an actor?

Actually, let's be a bit more embracing: What does a loose woman want? If your average woman -- star-struck and prone to one night stands and a quick "hello-hello" -- could choose between these next three groups of men, who would it be? And let's say the demographic is black women between ages 20-35 of all socioeconomic levels. The groups are as follows.

Athletes (just NBA. I'm sure NFL niggas got groupies, but a broad couldn't pick Steve Smith or Steve McNair out of a lineup without his jewels and/or jersey and/or expensive whip) : Allen Iverson, Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, Kevin Garnett and Sebastian Telfair.

Rappers (any R&B cat other than Usher need not even apply, so why even include them, right?): 50 Cent, Method Man, Jay-Z, Nas, Snoop.

Actors (this bout to get real depressing, because 'm not trying to include no old niggas like Zel and Wes, so keeping with the young cats, picking are quite slim..so I'm gonna give them six to even things out) : Anthony Mackie, Terrance Howard, Derek Luke, Boris Kojoe, Taye Diggs, Mekhi Pfifer.

I gotta think that the NBA kats win out. Actors just don't have the clout. Women swoon over them and fantasize about these dudes, but they still are looked at as second class Hollywood citizens and we know women love a good alpha-nigga and these Hollywood dudes play the back in their profession too often. It gets down to rappers and ballers, right?

And when it comes to money and fame, NBA kats got that locked. I'd put only 50 and Jay on their levels. Actually, Jay is probably an idol of evey current baller, which makes him a godfather of sorts. But a dude's like Nas and Snoop and Andre 3000 and such...they seem to be abit more accessible than the NBA superstar. I don't know...I'm not a woman, this is all speculation...I'm just thinking that NBA dudes are a loose woman's prime catch. Am I wrong about his one?