Rappers on Roids...Mary J too

I was flipping through some music video channels the other day and saw Amerie. Periodically, I brush my teeth with Amerie. I say periodically because there are times when I find her DDG (drop dead gorgeous (how cornball was that?)), and other times when she looks somewhat average. In this particular video, she was closer to average. This basically meant: OK, Vince, no Amerie-induced chubbies from this one, so flip to the next channel, 'cause the song was sho-nuff wiggidy-wack. But just then, I realized it wasn't her song, she was merely singing the hook. I came to this realization when I heard a nasally voice rapping in a cadence that resembled the rev-break nature of toy race cars. It was Chingy, the clown that gave us the seminal rube-anthem "Right Thurr". This is a song in which he spits, "Gimme whatcha got for a pork chop/She threw it at me like I was a shortstop."

This new joint with Amerie was just as bad. The video images, however, were quite different.

"Right Thurr" dropped in 2003. That video featured Chingy as a skinny, lanky, big-greasy lipped bish, standing around some ghetto spot while St. Louis bimbos did the chiecken-head dance. Let me reiterate that aside from his greasy smackers, he was a lanky dude. Well, fast forward to 2008 and this dude was up in this new video looking like Lavar Arrington. I mean he was massive. His chest is like two tree stumps.

He's not the first rapper to make this transformation. 50 Cent went from being a chubby, scarfaced rascal to a black Rambo. Timbaland went from having dude-tits to looking EXACTLY like Barry Bonds, including the huge chest and arms. Remember "Sobb Story" or "Scenario" or "Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can See"? Busta was shaped like a regular man. Now his neck is roughly the width of a New York City block...seriously, Bust could stand at the corner of 34th and Park and the other side of his neck would be at 34th and Lex. This is not an exaggeration, either. Did you see Dr. Dre at the Vibe awards last year? He looked like some type of farm animal, the working kind, like a mule or something, like he should be having relations with cows, he was an ox...it was discombobulating.

I'm bring all this up because there was a story in the Albany Times-Union that named rappers and Mary J in a steroid report. Apparently, allegedly, these folks got shipments of anabolic steroids and human growth hormones.

And you know what? I believe every bit of it. I don't care if they did or didn't. Timbo can have an IV connected to a vat of roids and it won't make him produce classic tracks like "FuturesSex", that's what acid is for. 50 on roids doesn't present the ethical and moral problems of Bonds on roids. But these folks aren't growing to these mammoth sizes without being on some kind of performance enhancer...and not the stuff u kop from GNC. Chingy wasn't just lifting a lot of weights. That greasy-lipped nigga is on a juice-regimen. Believe it.

And what of Mary J? Poor thing. She's 37 and the broad has lived a hard life full of abuse. She's been abused and she's abused, as in, she's abused narcotics. Now she's turned her life around and everytime you see her, she looks fabulous. And she has to. So, I totally believe this woman was like "Aight, I gotta keep this figure tight, so get me some substance that'll help." Now you see her and her fatty is still nice and plump, and her legs are still fleshy, but toned and she also has a washboard stomach. Thats all love. What is disconcerting is to see this woman and her manly arms and shoulders. It's like, Lay off the weight-training...I mean, what, you wanna look like Chyna? Mary's arms looks like she's training for a supporting role with Sly Stallone in Over The Top II.

This is all leading up to what will be my favorite nugget of news for 2008, because it's bound to happen, it's gotta happen, it's inevitable: Someone is gonna reveal that Tina Turner has been juicing since the last time Ike spread-palmed her mug againt the bathroom sink. That 89 year old woman cannot be shaped like that naturally. There's not much difference in her muscle structure and that of, say, Wesley Snipes.

Human Growth Hormones, bka HGH, are known as a fountain of youth. Well if that bish Tina ain't forever young, I don't know who is.

And she had several reasons for motivation. She gotta keep them legs right. She gotta stay in shape for those top-grossing, worldwide tours. And she had to train for one last throwdown with Ike before he croaked. There were no news reports, but I guarantee you that Tina had one last showdown with the most famous spousal-abuser of all-time. She probably walked in his dirty @$$ pad, and, you know how you collar someone up? well, she probably soul-patched him up and started working that nigga while she still had syringes stuck in her cheeks.

I know Tina was juicin, Chingy too.