The Larry King Telethon
Some of us may still be too shaken up to laugh at Katrina-related things. I've been past that stage. So I'm just warning you, the following novel-blog will contain statements making light of something that is admittedly still very dead-serious. I can't help it though. If something's funny, something's funny. I remember laughing out loud when a friend of mine blogged about backing out of his driveway and hitting an old man riding a bike. I mean, homeboy was severely shaken up about this (as he shouldve been) and I'm sitting in front of my computer adding elements to his story to make it in to comedy-skit. I have problems. But just warning you...some of the upcoming thoughts will indeed be serious, but others will stupid and uncalled for.
Anyways...onto this telethon. Now, I don't know if you've seen this or not, but it was about an hour-long show of Larry King providing segues from one performance to the next. So do me a favor and think about King for a moment. Please envision him. Think about how his face looks. Take a minute to recall the shape of his shoulders and how he's always leaning on the table. Back to his face...think about his glasses. And think about his voice as well. Actually here's a link. Go head and take a gander at his face and then come back to the blog.
OK, so we good? We got his face and voice etched in our mind right now? Good, because the editing on this show was ridiculous. I mean, his face would just appear mid-way through a performance.
"Folks that was the Harlem Boys Choir. What a moving performance by the Harlem Boys Choir...and now, Aaron NEVILLE!"
Actually, lets sleep on this bed for a moment (and rewound that segue on my tivo at least three times). Let's take the Harlem Boys Choir for just a second. Hearing them sing all gospely and praise-the-lord-like and then to see King abruptly appear on the screen and speak in that voice is jarring and totally comical. It's like Barabara Walters hosting a Real World reunion special. And what about the Harlem Boys Choir? Theyre supposed to be BOYS right? So why did I count at least four old-azz niggas singing in baritones. One dude looked exactly like Harold Perrineau, better known as Link from the Matrix. That kat is no boy. Nigga you got an enough pubes for a Ben Wallace afro -- you are no boy.
And my man Neville. Come on Nev! What's his deal? really. Now granted, it's totally appropriate for him to do his thing at this telethon since he's a Nola native. But why is he considered talented? I havent done the knowledge on him, so I don't know if he's a great musician or songwriter...all I hear is that voice. It reminds me of an old lady that was in one of my congregations back in Buff. We used to call her Sister Shakies because her voice trembled when she talked and sang. Neville's voice, to me, is despicable.
Another thing that I've found comical: what's the difference between his shape and Hulk Hogan's? really, he's just as diesel, plus Hogan could never pull off rockin backwards kangos like my dude Nev. And Nev has the illest lip mole, this side of Cindy Crawford and Paula Abdul. Actually his mole is on his forehead, directly above his eyebrow, but really, that makes it worse.
But to see him up on a stage, singing in his voice, with that kango, some Levi 501 Blues, Doc Martin steel-toes and an Under Armour muscle shirt...well that was precious. Actually, he wasnt wearing any of that (all though he usually does), but he did have on dangling earings.
And then of course, the end of his song is cut and Lar's mug flashes to the screen. How can I not laugh?
**************************************
Another ridiculous example of bad editing was how CNN came from commercial..and it was some dweebish commercial, too...like a women's underwear commercial and then, with no introduction, no warning -- Russel Watson comes blasting on the screen singing in his operatic tenor. Mouth wide open like he's about to stick a watermelon in it. I mean, think about how jarring that is, you're looking at some white women with no hips or rear, dancing to Aretha Franklin in their panties and then -- booyah -- Russel Watson is taking us to the opera. One question.
*************************************
The telethon wasn't one huge laugh, obviously. It was actually mostly sobering I guess. To me, the poignant performance was Eric Clapton and John Mayer performing Broken Hearted which is such a gray-clouds tune. And I like how John Mayer never opened his mouth, he just sat there and played guitar. He's humble like that. He knew he was on stage with great artist, so he sat there like young dude and did what The Clap (double entendre in full-effect) told him to do.
*********************************************
What made all of the performances even more heavy and weighty and sad; was the running scroll of missing children. I mean My God...and no we should not use God's name in vein, but truly and appropriately in this case: My God. It takes a lot to get me teary eyed (maybe not as much as before, but still -- a lot) and this one had a dude quite misty...especially during performances like Johnny May and The Clap. I mean, the scroll did not stop, even after the telethon and some ethnically-homogenous Asian anchor started another show (the ethnically homogenous anchor is a whole other blog)..the scroll was still rolling.
Actually the Asian-white lady had a segment on missing siblings. One's name was Glynn, the other two names were -- get this -- Robernique and Rodnesha.
Let Twist be the first to ntell you: Them two niggas is gettin found -- or as my people like say, "fount" -- I mean, just walk around Nola and Houstan yelling "ROBERNIQUE" or "RODNESHA"...there are only one of each on the whole planet. Their brother, Glynn, he's flying below the radar and gettin lost in the sauce, but Nique and Nesha have little to worry about.
*******************************************
Not to get off the telethon, but that same show with the Asian-white lady anchor had this intro to a new piece,
"See how one celebrity is doing all she can to help the victims of Hurrican Katrina."
I thought it was gonna be about a celebrity, but don't you know that they had the audacity to use that as intro for a piece on Della Reese. DELLA effin REESE?! She's still considered a celebrity? I remember her for two things (outside of Touched by Angel where she plays the classic big black woman role of savior, comforter and uncanny sage...a classic Hollywood stereotype, just more tastefully done)..anyways, I remember her for gettin shot in the pinky toe in Harlem Knights and for the way Kim Wayan portrayed her on an in Living Color skit where she sold half-eaten bits of food called "Della Reese's Pieces"..and it'd be like a chewed on chicken breast, 1/3 of a biscuit, the crust of a slice of sweet potatoe pie -- hilarious.
But, after the celebrity intro, they have the gall to show Della, in all her splendor: some big, huge white sunglasses and a fur coat -- and we're talkin about a whole lot of fur to clothe that hefty heffa.
*****************************
Back-on-track though. I havent seen Leann Rhimes in a minute and she was on the telethon. She looks straight up grown. She's a perfect example of a young caucasian woman that was more meaty than white girls like to be (mostly baby fat) and then lost weight, but remains shaped like a realistic women. She's definitely slim now, but she's not on the Cocaine and Barf diet like Lohan, Richie and now...Hillary Duff. Have you seen some of Duff's new pics?! I thought she was too wholesome to get caught up in that gruseome black-hole, but she succumbed. She looks positively gruesome. What's goin on? If that ever happens to Trina I'm castrating myself.
*******************************
Easily the most hilarious moment of the night came when Larry King introduced Harry Connick Jr. Think about those two faces. And now think about a close-up of King, leaning over the table like King and then a quick, random cut to Connicck staring in the camera -- dead silence...and then a sudden leap into the white man's version of Nola blues. Think about that. There's a reason why King and Connick made great Simpsons cameos...its because they have two of the greatest Simpsons-ready faces of all-time. Theyre joined by Jimmy Walker, Steven Tyler and Rachel Dratch in the Top 5 Ready for Animation Faces.
And I won't even get into how he had all of these no-soul white men playing black music like they owned it. Actually, yes I will. Why not Nic Payton, why not Roy Hargrove? Well, obvioulsy, I know why. Because they arent platinum sellin artists. But why not? Theyre much better musicians than Connick. But I digress. All I know is that the illest pianist out right now, Robert Glasper, drops an album in early October. I guarantee u that Vino and I will be two of probably only two or three thousand Americans that buy his album. American jazz continues to be a shame that pales only in comparison to human tragedies.
**********************************
Is Gloria Estefan the Hispanic Cher? I think she is. Meanwhile, her voice still curdles my milk, but whoever wrote the song she sang on the telethon, is a great songwriter. Beautiful bridge.
*************************************
Sara McGlaughlin has a serene voice. My lil sis P put me on to that some years ago and she's defintely right. She had a duet with Josh Groban. Groban is a no-talent twit, however.
**********************************
I think I may buy my first country-western album ever. His name is Marc Broussard. He's a Loos-E-anna native. White dude. But that kid has got a bucket a soul. He sang this tune called "Home". he had all the vocal stylings, the emotion, everything. Seeing your home state drowning under disease-water will do that. Like I've said before, every ethnicity has soul -- even Asians. But I think tragedy and turmoil jerks it out. My man Broussard was feeling it. And I was lovin the fact that he had his Pops playin the guit-box with him too and harmonizing in the lower register.
**************************************
CELINE DEION. Woa. I think her moment was actually more startling than Kanye's moment, because she went on for four to five minutes, all the while fanning her teary eyes and waffing her hair to make sure her sexy stayed in tact.
Seriously, who can take her serious with that accent? not me. And it slays me to hear her talk and then here her sing. She's from Canada, but talks like she's Russian, but then sings like she's a hillbilly-bish with a mullet.
So she's raging on about the governments lack of response and ordering helicopters to resucue poor people from their attics, all the while fixing her hair and saying things like, "Ohhh yeah, I gave one million dollars! who cares about one million dollar?! There are people in their attics that cant swim and need water!" and saying foreign-sounding things like, "I'm an a sorry, but I am just to be a so frustrated!"
But she was powerful too,
"People are making such a big deal about people stealing 20 pairs of jeans or TVs. WHO CARES!?!?! They won't go far with it. Maybe these people are so poor that this is the only time they will be able to touch these things. Let them have that." Preach baby.
I mean, her reaction and thoughts were powerful. I can;t front on that. But try to check a rerun and see if you can make it through the segment without laughing.
Also, she called Kanye West "Consha West".
***************************
Maya Angelou's poem was past powerful. The room got misty again. She set it off with something like, "when the land became water and water thought it was God". It was enthralling. I wish I could write that heavy. But she ended sooooo wack. "I'm Maya Angelou and I'm proud to be an American." Why? What about this tragedy makes one proud to be an American? She did speak of how America overcame slavery and the civil war...but has it really? has America really overcome slavery? Has it really overcome the civil war? To agree to those sentiments is to ignore the very plight of the people upon which Katrina has cast a 10000000 watt strobelight.
I mean The Clap was singing broken hearted and Nev was shake-singin Lousiana 1927 and 99% of the picture featured dark faces. Are they Americans? Are we Americans? If so, we have not overcome slavery or the civil war. I hate when public and pwerful black voices start that America crap. I know they think its uniting and proactive, but I, for one, also think its negligent and pass-happy.
****************************
But of course, my favorite moments of the whole telethon involved some jazz cats.
Irvin Mayfield spit a genious monologue about how blues and jazz articulates the Nola people so well. Satchmo created modern jazz in the Nola and the blues was created in the Nola. The blues has everything to do with empathy and voicing the pain of the disenfranchised and providing amusical outlet for the depressed and those overcome with despair. But blues, as Mayfield so appropriately pointed out, always glanced at better days, at happier times. I mean, really, what better city and music to deal with this tragedy than the city and music (blues/jazz) that typifies the most resilient people on earth (blacks)?
And then, to close out the show, they played a lil Wynton Marsalis segment. Wynton is from jazz's First Family. His father is the great pianist Ellis Marsalis. Then you got Brabford, Wynton and Delfayo. truly great jazz family -- and they hail from the Nola. So theyre also like the Nola's First Family. Nola Ambassadors.
Wynton, as much as I hate certain things about his jazz philospophies and whatnot, is the single most important post-1970 musician, because he made jazz an American treasure, an American landmark. True, this has hampered jazz in many ways, but it's an incredible feat in its own right and Wynton, thorugh exhaustive research, tireless advocacy and sheer smarts and wisdom made it happen. he's a living musical legend.
Well, he -- being one of the smartest people on earth -- is well aware of the Nola tragedy. It's his home after all. But he's also no-space attached to njazz and its essence, the same with blues...in fact, it was, and is, Wyton that is the a bizarro-harbinger of the blues=jazz message.
So what does Wynton do? Of course he could have played a heart-brusing piece of jazz that would have sent me into depression, but Wynton, the genious he is, recognized that blues and jazz not only articulated and still, somehwates, articulates The Struggle, but also hope and a way out or over The Struggle...and if nothing else, a mechanism to cope with The Struggle. So Wynton starts tappin his feet and blows notes so triumphant it'd make someone that lost a loved one smile.
And there you had it. The Nola waters were receding, people were returning home and jazz -- for the first times since the early 70s -- was once again a relevant language.
Anyways...onto this telethon. Now, I don't know if you've seen this or not, but it was about an hour-long show of Larry King providing segues from one performance to the next. So do me a favor and think about King for a moment. Please envision him. Think about how his face looks. Take a minute to recall the shape of his shoulders and how he's always leaning on the table. Back to his face...think about his glasses. And think about his voice as well. Actually here's a link. Go head and take a gander at his face and then come back to the blog.
OK, so we good? We got his face and voice etched in our mind right now? Good, because the editing on this show was ridiculous. I mean, his face would just appear mid-way through a performance.
"Folks that was the Harlem Boys Choir. What a moving performance by the Harlem Boys Choir...and now, Aaron NEVILLE!"
Actually, lets sleep on this bed for a moment (and rewound that segue on my tivo at least three times). Let's take the Harlem Boys Choir for just a second. Hearing them sing all gospely and praise-the-lord-like and then to see King abruptly appear on the screen and speak in that voice is jarring and totally comical. It's like Barabara Walters hosting a Real World reunion special. And what about the Harlem Boys Choir? Theyre supposed to be BOYS right? So why did I count at least four old-azz niggas singing in baritones. One dude looked exactly like Harold Perrineau, better known as Link from the Matrix. That kat is no boy. Nigga you got an enough pubes for a Ben Wallace afro -- you are no boy.
And my man Neville. Come on Nev! What's his deal? really. Now granted, it's totally appropriate for him to do his thing at this telethon since he's a Nola native. But why is he considered talented? I havent done the knowledge on him, so I don't know if he's a great musician or songwriter...all I hear is that voice. It reminds me of an old lady that was in one of my congregations back in Buff. We used to call her Sister Shakies because her voice trembled when she talked and sang. Neville's voice, to me, is despicable.
Another thing that I've found comical: what's the difference between his shape and Hulk Hogan's? really, he's just as diesel, plus Hogan could never pull off rockin backwards kangos like my dude Nev. And Nev has the illest lip mole, this side of Cindy Crawford and Paula Abdul. Actually his mole is on his forehead, directly above his eyebrow, but really, that makes it worse.
But to see him up on a stage, singing in his voice, with that kango, some Levi 501 Blues, Doc Martin steel-toes and an Under Armour muscle shirt...well that was precious. Actually, he wasnt wearing any of that (all though he usually does), but he did have on dangling earings.
And then of course, the end of his song is cut and Lar's mug flashes to the screen. How can I not laugh?
**************************************
Another ridiculous example of bad editing was how CNN came from commercial..and it was some dweebish commercial, too...like a women's underwear commercial and then, with no introduction, no warning -- Russel Watson comes blasting on the screen singing in his operatic tenor. Mouth wide open like he's about to stick a watermelon in it. I mean, think about how jarring that is, you're looking at some white women with no hips or rear, dancing to Aretha Franklin in their panties and then -- booyah -- Russel Watson is taking us to the opera. One question.
*************************************
The telethon wasn't one huge laugh, obviously. It was actually mostly sobering I guess. To me, the poignant performance was Eric Clapton and John Mayer performing Broken Hearted which is such a gray-clouds tune. And I like how John Mayer never opened his mouth, he just sat there and played guitar. He's humble like that. He knew he was on stage with great artist, so he sat there like young dude and did what The Clap (double entendre in full-effect) told him to do.
*********************************************
What made all of the performances even more heavy and weighty and sad; was the running scroll of missing children. I mean My God...and no we should not use God's name in vein, but truly and appropriately in this case: My God. It takes a lot to get me teary eyed (maybe not as much as before, but still -- a lot) and this one had a dude quite misty...especially during performances like Johnny May and The Clap. I mean, the scroll did not stop, even after the telethon and some ethnically-homogenous Asian anchor started another show (the ethnically homogenous anchor is a whole other blog)..the scroll was still rolling.
Actually the Asian-white lady had a segment on missing siblings. One's name was Glynn, the other two names were -- get this -- Robernique and Rodnesha.
Let Twist be the first to ntell you: Them two niggas is gettin found -- or as my people like say, "fount" -- I mean, just walk around Nola and Houstan yelling "ROBERNIQUE" or "RODNESHA"...there are only one of each on the whole planet. Their brother, Glynn, he's flying below the radar and gettin lost in the sauce, but Nique and Nesha have little to worry about.
*******************************************
Not to get off the telethon, but that same show with the Asian-white lady anchor had this intro to a new piece,
"See how one celebrity is doing all she can to help the victims of Hurrican Katrina."
I thought it was gonna be about a celebrity, but don't you know that they had the audacity to use that as intro for a piece on Della Reese. DELLA effin REESE?! She's still considered a celebrity? I remember her for two things (outside of Touched by Angel where she plays the classic big black woman role of savior, comforter and uncanny sage...a classic Hollywood stereotype, just more tastefully done)..anyways, I remember her for gettin shot in the pinky toe in Harlem Knights and for the way Kim Wayan portrayed her on an in Living Color skit where she sold half-eaten bits of food called "Della Reese's Pieces"..and it'd be like a chewed on chicken breast, 1/3 of a biscuit, the crust of a slice of sweet potatoe pie -- hilarious.
But, after the celebrity intro, they have the gall to show Della, in all her splendor: some big, huge white sunglasses and a fur coat -- and we're talkin about a whole lot of fur to clothe that hefty heffa.
*****************************
Back-on-track though. I havent seen Leann Rhimes in a minute and she was on the telethon. She looks straight up grown. She's a perfect example of a young caucasian woman that was more meaty than white girls like to be (mostly baby fat) and then lost weight, but remains shaped like a realistic women. She's definitely slim now, but she's not on the Cocaine and Barf diet like Lohan, Richie and now...Hillary Duff. Have you seen some of Duff's new pics?! I thought she was too wholesome to get caught up in that gruseome black-hole, but she succumbed. She looks positively gruesome. What's goin on? If that ever happens to Trina I'm castrating myself.
*******************************
Easily the most hilarious moment of the night came when Larry King introduced Harry Connick Jr. Think about those two faces. And now think about a close-up of King, leaning over the table like King and then a quick, random cut to Connicck staring in the camera -- dead silence...and then a sudden leap into the white man's version of Nola blues. Think about that. There's a reason why King and Connick made great Simpsons cameos...its because they have two of the greatest Simpsons-ready faces of all-time. Theyre joined by Jimmy Walker, Steven Tyler and Rachel Dratch in the Top 5 Ready for Animation Faces.
And I won't even get into how he had all of these no-soul white men playing black music like they owned it. Actually, yes I will. Why not Nic Payton, why not Roy Hargrove? Well, obvioulsy, I know why. Because they arent platinum sellin artists. But why not? Theyre much better musicians than Connick. But I digress. All I know is that the illest pianist out right now, Robert Glasper, drops an album in early October. I guarantee u that Vino and I will be two of probably only two or three thousand Americans that buy his album. American jazz continues to be a shame that pales only in comparison to human tragedies.
**********************************
Is Gloria Estefan the Hispanic Cher? I think she is. Meanwhile, her voice still curdles my milk, but whoever wrote the song she sang on the telethon, is a great songwriter. Beautiful bridge.
*************************************
Sara McGlaughlin has a serene voice. My lil sis P put me on to that some years ago and she's defintely right. She had a duet with Josh Groban. Groban is a no-talent twit, however.
**********************************
I think I may buy my first country-western album ever. His name is Marc Broussard. He's a Loos-E-anna native. White dude. But that kid has got a bucket a soul. He sang this tune called "Home". he had all the vocal stylings, the emotion, everything. Seeing your home state drowning under disease-water will do that. Like I've said before, every ethnicity has soul -- even Asians. But I think tragedy and turmoil jerks it out. My man Broussard was feeling it. And I was lovin the fact that he had his Pops playin the guit-box with him too and harmonizing in the lower register.
**************************************
CELINE DEION. Woa. I think her moment was actually more startling than Kanye's moment, because she went on for four to five minutes, all the while fanning her teary eyes and waffing her hair to make sure her sexy stayed in tact.
Seriously, who can take her serious with that accent? not me. And it slays me to hear her talk and then here her sing. She's from Canada, but talks like she's Russian, but then sings like she's a hillbilly-bish with a mullet.
So she's raging on about the governments lack of response and ordering helicopters to resucue poor people from their attics, all the while fixing her hair and saying things like, "Ohhh yeah, I gave one million dollars! who cares about one million dollar?! There are people in their attics that cant swim and need water!" and saying foreign-sounding things like, "I'm an a sorry, but I am just to be a so frustrated!"
But she was powerful too,
"People are making such a big deal about people stealing 20 pairs of jeans or TVs. WHO CARES!?!?! They won't go far with it. Maybe these people are so poor that this is the only time they will be able to touch these things. Let them have that." Preach baby.
I mean, her reaction and thoughts were powerful. I can;t front on that. But try to check a rerun and see if you can make it through the segment without laughing.
Also, she called Kanye West "Consha West".
***************************
Maya Angelou's poem was past powerful. The room got misty again. She set it off with something like, "when the land became water and water thought it was God". It was enthralling. I wish I could write that heavy. But she ended sooooo wack. "I'm Maya Angelou and I'm proud to be an American." Why? What about this tragedy makes one proud to be an American? She did speak of how America overcame slavery and the civil war...but has it really? has America really overcome slavery? Has it really overcome the civil war? To agree to those sentiments is to ignore the very plight of the people upon which Katrina has cast a 10000000 watt strobelight.
I mean The Clap was singing broken hearted and Nev was shake-singin Lousiana 1927 and 99% of the picture featured dark faces. Are they Americans? Are we Americans? If so, we have not overcome slavery or the civil war. I hate when public and pwerful black voices start that America crap. I know they think its uniting and proactive, but I, for one, also think its negligent and pass-happy.
****************************
But of course, my favorite moments of the whole telethon involved some jazz cats.
Irvin Mayfield spit a genious monologue about how blues and jazz articulates the Nola people so well. Satchmo created modern jazz in the Nola and the blues was created in the Nola. The blues has everything to do with empathy and voicing the pain of the disenfranchised and providing amusical outlet for the depressed and those overcome with despair. But blues, as Mayfield so appropriately pointed out, always glanced at better days, at happier times. I mean, really, what better city and music to deal with this tragedy than the city and music (blues/jazz) that typifies the most resilient people on earth (blacks)?
And then, to close out the show, they played a lil Wynton Marsalis segment. Wynton is from jazz's First Family. His father is the great pianist Ellis Marsalis. Then you got Brabford, Wynton and Delfayo. truly great jazz family -- and they hail from the Nola. So theyre also like the Nola's First Family. Nola Ambassadors.
Wynton, as much as I hate certain things about his jazz philospophies and whatnot, is the single most important post-1970 musician, because he made jazz an American treasure, an American landmark. True, this has hampered jazz in many ways, but it's an incredible feat in its own right and Wynton, thorugh exhaustive research, tireless advocacy and sheer smarts and wisdom made it happen. he's a living musical legend.
Well, he -- being one of the smartest people on earth -- is well aware of the Nola tragedy. It's his home after all. But he's also no-space attached to njazz and its essence, the same with blues...in fact, it was, and is, Wyton that is the a bizarro-harbinger of the blues=jazz message.
So what does Wynton do? Of course he could have played a heart-brusing piece of jazz that would have sent me into depression, but Wynton, the genious he is, recognized that blues and jazz not only articulated and still, somehwates, articulates The Struggle, but also hope and a way out or over The Struggle...and if nothing else, a mechanism to cope with The Struggle. So Wynton starts tappin his feet and blows notes so triumphant it'd make someone that lost a loved one smile.
And there you had it. The Nola waters were receding, people were returning home and jazz -- for the first times since the early 70s -- was once again a relevant language.
posted by Twistinado @ 11:30 PM
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