The Cocaine and Barf Diet
Left work yesterday around 5p. Walking down 14th street. As usual, traffic is crazy with everyone heading west to the 14th street bridge retreating to their Virginny homes. Usually, any car that's parked on 14th street, is getting ticketed or there's a police car behind it, letting the driver know that he/she needs to get moving (and if you're a Negro this comes with the added implication that if you don't move, they may just drag you out the car and billy-club your black skin to blue-bruises). Anyways, there's this Excursion parked, no hazards on, and tinted windows.
Seemed peculiar.
Then, out of CVS walks this white woman with collagen lips and, what seems to be, her little Asian kid, probably adopted. As we get closer, we almost bump into each other, because she's either oblivious to where she's walking or thinks she owns the sidewalk or I'm so hefty I can't control where my body inhabits. As she turns and looks at me, I realize it's Angelina Jolie and her lil adopted son from Cambodia, Maddox.
Ironically, I was just reading about Jolie in last month's Vanity Fair. It spent much of the article talking about her lil Cambodian son and her new zeal for the Washington political scene. Apparently she's a Capitol Hill regular now -- trying to do a lot about poverty in developing nations (admirable).
But you can read all about that in Vanity Fair...in this space I want you to know this: Angelina Jolie is not that hot! She's consistently been one of the women that I've given a Good Life Pass, too. I thought she was beautiful, sexy, curvy and all that. But up close, she seemed ordinary.
Now, I hate people who see celebrities in person and then try to ruin everyone's image of them. I'm not that dude. I saw Tamia up-close at Black College Reunion and she gave me a chubby. I saw Amerie in person in Orlando on Orange Ave., in front of The Social and I thought she was a cute girl. I even saw Britney Spears on Hollywood Boulevard in LA and, all though she wasn't Good Lifeable, she passed The Couch Test. I saw one of my idols, Isaiah Thomas, walking down M Street in Goergetown and he still sported the best post-2000 box cut in the USA.
Angelina Jolie, however, was a disappointment. Previously, I didn't just think she was cute or pretty-good looking, I thought she was dope, now I find out she's ordinary, with wrinkles at the corners of her mouth and blemishing her brow...and she has NO curves.
I mean, of course I discreetly peered at her as she walked to the car to see if I'd "follow that thang in the mall"...and I wouldn't.
First of all, let me continue a crusade: White women did not just indiscriminately start growing round hips and that thang in the back! The same thing a Wonder Bra does for a woman's breast and cleavage, these new jeans do for that thang. Why am I the only one who thinks this? Trust me, black people's existence depends on black men recognizing this. Some already wanna drink the Kool-Aid regardless, but if they begin believing that white women have comparable thangs then it's a wrap. Truth is they don't. Jolie didn't have on those type jeans yesterday. She had on some relaxed "loungin in the crib" joints, where that thang laid naturally in the jeans and it wasn't poking out...not even a little. I mean, I wasn't expecting her to be Mya (did you see her on the MTV Movie Awards?!), but at least be Jessica Simpson -- nope.
Which leads me to another crusade: The Cocaine and Barf Diet.
Why must formerly curvy to moderately-curvy women (Jennifer Aniston, Lindsay Lohan, Angelina Jolie, Renee Zellwegger, Nicole Ritchie) go on these diets that leave them shaped like Snoop? (note: black women tend not to go on these diets, because I think they either don't care about American beauty or they love biscuits too much to try to attain it.) I'm not saying that all these women are snorting and barfing...but why do they think they look better like that? There's no way Lindsay Lohan should think she looks better now than when she appeared in that GQ spread -- no way! Zellwegger was never Chaka Khan, but the "Jerry Maguire" Zellwegger is a better look than the current...she doesn't have to be Bridget Jones, either..but an 80-lb. woman is not sexy. Seriously, they end up looking either strung out or like they have eating disorders.
Even Beyonce is starting to "drop some meat that I wish she'd keep". I was happy to see her in a bikini in her new video and all...but boy do I miss the "Work It Out" Beyonce doing what she was doin with that hoola-hoop.
Look, there are extremes. You got me on one end and Snoop on the other...Let's find a happy medium ladies.
Seemed peculiar.
Then, out of CVS walks this white woman with collagen lips and, what seems to be, her little Asian kid, probably adopted. As we get closer, we almost bump into each other, because she's either oblivious to where she's walking or thinks she owns the sidewalk or I'm so hefty I can't control where my body inhabits. As she turns and looks at me, I realize it's Angelina Jolie and her lil adopted son from Cambodia, Maddox.
Ironically, I was just reading about Jolie in last month's Vanity Fair. It spent much of the article talking about her lil Cambodian son and her new zeal for the Washington political scene. Apparently she's a Capitol Hill regular now -- trying to do a lot about poverty in developing nations (admirable).
But you can read all about that in Vanity Fair...in this space I want you to know this: Angelina Jolie is not that hot! She's consistently been one of the women that I've given a Good Life Pass, too. I thought she was beautiful, sexy, curvy and all that. But up close, she seemed ordinary.
Now, I hate people who see celebrities in person and then try to ruin everyone's image of them. I'm not that dude. I saw Tamia up-close at Black College Reunion and she gave me a chubby. I saw Amerie in person in Orlando on Orange Ave., in front of The Social and I thought she was a cute girl. I even saw Britney Spears on Hollywood Boulevard in LA and, all though she wasn't Good Lifeable, she passed The Couch Test. I saw one of my idols, Isaiah Thomas, walking down M Street in Goergetown and he still sported the best post-2000 box cut in the USA.
Angelina Jolie, however, was a disappointment. Previously, I didn't just think she was cute or pretty-good looking, I thought she was dope, now I find out she's ordinary, with wrinkles at the corners of her mouth and blemishing her brow...and she has NO curves.
I mean, of course I discreetly peered at her as she walked to the car to see if I'd "follow that thang in the mall"...and I wouldn't.
First of all, let me continue a crusade: White women did not just indiscriminately start growing round hips and that thang in the back! The same thing a Wonder Bra does for a woman's breast and cleavage, these new jeans do for that thang. Why am I the only one who thinks this? Trust me, black people's existence depends on black men recognizing this. Some already wanna drink the Kool-Aid regardless, but if they begin believing that white women have comparable thangs then it's a wrap. Truth is they don't. Jolie didn't have on those type jeans yesterday. She had on some relaxed "loungin in the crib" joints, where that thang laid naturally in the jeans and it wasn't poking out...not even a little. I mean, I wasn't expecting her to be Mya (did you see her on the MTV Movie Awards?!), but at least be Jessica Simpson -- nope.
Which leads me to another crusade: The Cocaine and Barf Diet.
Why must formerly curvy to moderately-curvy women (Jennifer Aniston, Lindsay Lohan, Angelina Jolie, Renee Zellwegger, Nicole Ritchie) go on these diets that leave them shaped like Snoop? (note: black women tend not to go on these diets, because I think they either don't care about American beauty or they love biscuits too much to try to attain it.) I'm not saying that all these women are snorting and barfing...but why do they think they look better like that? There's no way Lindsay Lohan should think she looks better now than when she appeared in that GQ spread -- no way! Zellwegger was never Chaka Khan, but the "Jerry Maguire" Zellwegger is a better look than the current...she doesn't have to be Bridget Jones, either..but an 80-lb. woman is not sexy. Seriously, they end up looking either strung out or like they have eating disorders.
Even Beyonce is starting to "drop some meat that I wish she'd keep". I was happy to see her in a bikini in her new video and all...but boy do I miss the "Work It Out" Beyonce doing what she was doin with that hoola-hoop.
Look, there are extremes. You got me on one end and Snoop on the other...Let's find a happy medium ladies.
posted by Twistinado @ 10:45 AM
2 Comments:
At 1:33 PM,
Not Your Average Chimichanga said…
well whatever tricks and illusions they pulled to make angelina look hot in mr. and mrs. smith i want to know about it. she was on FIY-AH in that movie. i couldn't decide the whole movie who was better looking, brad pitt or angelina jolie.
i think black women love the biscuit too much to ever go on the snort or upchuck diet. it also helps that black men love phat asses.
all that being said, i think white women and black women are on the bad ends of the spectrum. black women can carry meat on their bones well, but there are entirely too many fat sistas out here. i am stunned at how big some of us become. a lot of us don't workout and every meal we have is like sunday dinner on soul food. we need to borrow from the white women and adopt some of their fitness habits, otherwise we're looking at a stroke at 32.
on the other hand...white women need to fall in love with a pork chop. some of them are really scaring me. some of my white girlfriends have spent their entire lives on diets. they know exactly how many calories are in a half a cheerio. it's frightening.
in both cultures, the women are taking cues from what the men in their culture appreciate. white boys prefer petite, dimunitive white girls, even though i've seen many of them become entranced by beyonce's badunka-dunk. black men want an ass they can setup a scrabble game on.
in either case, us ladies need to, as you say, find the medium.
At 1:51 PM,
Twistinado said…
Melly Hill ladies and gentlemen. She's not a columnist for nothing. She gave 2-e lugs per paragraph and she did it for free.
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