Being Bobby Brown

Robert Brown folks. The dude and his wife are an amazing thing to see. But my take is different than, I guess, most people's. Most people have been talking about how shameful it is, but I've managed (wrongfully or not) to pull some fairly positive things out of this show. A lil more on that later (or should I say a lot more)...

Of course we heard all the requisite "crack head" humor after the first episodes.

Yes, certain things are crackheadish -- even though I believe tey're coc-sniffers, not crack-smokers.

Whitney's weight is an indication that she breathes in 2 parts oxygen, one part coca. I mean, Whitney was never thick like some of the other 80-90s gals (Janet Jackson, Pebbles, B Angie B, Adina Howard, even Mariah to a lesser extent), but drugs and eating disorders have a different effect on one's body. You don't slim down, you skinny down. There's never an even distribution of the weight loss, it's like the cocaine or crack or bulimia just enters your system and sizzles away portions of your body at a time. That's how Whitney looks: same breast, but no other meat to speak of. And her face looks skeletal. But, by-n-large, I think she looks way better than the internet pics would lead you to believe.

Also a bit disturbing is the fact that her heavenly voice is gone. What an effortless voice that was. The woman could pull off notes makin a banana split and doing the camel walk at the same time. But all that snorting has ruined her larynyx, F'd with her breathing and lung capacity -- I think it's a great American tragedy of Shakespearian proportions.

Robert Brown is a whole nother story. The slant of his mouth is the best thing to happen to comedy since SNL. The first time I noticed it was when Ja Rule tried to "make him hot" and got his own thermostat knocked down to 58. It was the limo scene in the beggining of the video, when he wasn't nodding his head like a retard on cognac, he would just lean in the cut and his mouth would be at a 45 degree slant like his face was a 1st grade drawing of an angry man. Of course it was a bit horrifying -- and mystifying -- but it was hilarious. I mean, think about it: that nigga has a "lazy mouth". Can he eat soup?

One other thing about Bob is the fact that few people -- music critics, fans, artists -- give him proper credit. This dude is THE trailblazer, vanguard, pioneer for every young R&B dude out right now. From R Kelly to Omarion. Yeah, Michael Jackson was a huge influence, as was Prince, we can go back to Marvin Gaye before that, my grandfather James Brown before Marvin, Jackie Wilson before Granpa James -- but Bob packaged those influences into the "Don't Be Cruel" Bobby Brown and that's where all these dudes have started from since. The overt sexuality, the small scale pimp-motif in the lyrics, adding portions of the hop in their music and image -- that's all Bobby. That's why, when Whitney called dude the King of R&B, I wasn't that mad at her...I think she had a great point.

Now onto this sitcom...some great moments:

--- Hands down the best moment is when a lil kid came to their table and asked "Ms. Houston" for an autograph, if only because, Bobby -- like a true proud nigga -- snapped back at the lil boy, "that's Mrs. Brown!" See, that's one of the things I was loving about my dude Robert -- he's had his fair share of embarrassing moments and life-lowlights, but the dude still thinks he's the ISH and demands that everyone else thinks the same. I can't front on that stance. I like to see embattled men going down swinging for their dignity. Especially black men.

Now, Bobby isn't the best example of this...but, black men have been this country's biggest target of emasculation, diminution and humiliation. Some black men don't care and they let the pressure take them under, other black men immediately rise above these attempts and let America know right off the muscle, "Na suns, you can't get me with these tactics." Still, others get worn down, made to look and feel like fools and generally just beat up...but they always keep some remnants of that "We Are Kings" in them; even as they're unemployed and on drugs, having had abandoned their families. It's not that the actual men are noble, but I love that spirit -- to me, it's at its most inspiring when it's being manifested in the weakest of individuals. I've always said that black people are the most resilient people on earth...and on a very fundamental level, Bobby Brown gives that aura off on screen.

--- What are they doing when they close the door? Are they really having sex or are they going to sniff lines of cocain? I really want to know what people think. Maybe they really are going to have sex and just like some niggas, proudly announcing it to the whole world. I mean, Bobby was saying tons of incredible things like, "I wanna impregnate you", which has to be a Classic Among Classics for "phrases of want". When he said that, Gee and I looked at each other in horror and confusion. Plus, the words came out of his isocoles-traingle-mouth, which made it even more oft-putting and comical.

Either way, there's a level of realism and ghetto-defiance that, I'm sorry, you gotta love. I call those scenes "And What?" scenes, because that's what people from the neighborhood say when they're knowlingly behaving without decor and don't care about it. This is so Un-Newlyweds that you gotta dance to it. Plus, like my man Chuck said, "She's from Newark and he's from [Roxbury] Boston. It doesn't get more ghetto than those two cities."

So in the words of Making The Band's Jason (one of, up to this point, the 5 most entertaining reality characters ever), "Let's be reality!" I don't want a scrubbed version of Bobby and Whitney...Let's be reality!

--- Can't thse rich people find a more exclusive resort than the ones they were at? Whitney couldn't smoke up all her money if she wanted to. So why are they at the Hampton Inn?

--- Bobby and Whitney dance everywhere and at any moment. Remember when they had just had a wild night of drug overdosing and Bobby had the "hugest bags of all-time" under his eyes and he was rubbing some ointment that was supposed to reduce the swelling, or what have you? Well, then Whitney comes in and within seconds their doing the "(I forgot the name of the dance)" together. Then there's the scene when they're walking in their hotel lobby and they start some impromptu jiggin. It's usually Bobby, but Whitney -- unlike most wives/girlfriends -- is usually saying something like, "Go. Go. Go. Go. Go." or "Yuda Kang!" Or perhaps you remember when they were at the seafood restuarant and Bobby hops off his barstool and starts pumping and gyrating down to the floor.

I love that, because that's what we do. It may be hard to stomach as entertainment on TV, but "Let's be reality." Black people dance all the time. We dance when we're nervous, when we're excited, when we're happy -- all the time. AQnd in Bobby and Whitney's case...I don't think its for the cameras. i think it's what they do.

That's what i try to tell people when they get up-n-arms about football players dancing after a sack, touchdown or big play. Yes, some of it is grandstanding, but much of it is a natural reaction.

From the start, dancing is a reactionary move for a black person. If a lil kid gets a piece of candy they might just break out and do the Dolphin. Back in the 60s, if a teenage boy got off the phone with a girl he liked and she just agreed to go to the dance with him; homeboy was not gonna pump his fist...he was gonna do the James Brown.

Well guess what? Bobby was ecstatic that his criminal a$$ wasn't going back to jail for beating on his wife -- HE WAS HAPPY. So if he wants to hop off the stool and "shake it down to the flo" for freedom, I'm all for that.

And when Bobby and Whitney dance together, i think it's heartwarming. Those two people look like they have genuine fun together. Now, yes, much of that is editing (Bobby couldve punched her in the stomach two minutes before), but if most boring couples could have, even those few minutes of fun, you'd see some happier faces.

My parents were/are the same way. Growing up in our household was far from the Partridge Family or any other serene TV household. Their was tension and angst like many "real" American families, sometimes a lil more...but if you edited Mom and Dad's relationship you could air 20 seasons of straight-up fun. A husband and wife having fun. Maybe that was them breaking into the "Mashed Potato" in public, maybe it was something else...whatever it was, it was fun. So let Bobby and Whitney have their fun. One day, when I'm married and closing in on 40, I hope my wife might be fun and spontaneous enough to Cabbage Patch with me in the grocery store checkout line because we just saw that Twix were 3-for-99 cents.

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Now, the biggie: Is this show bad for Black America? Are they cooning? Initially, I'd have to say yes to both, which brings about this question: Well then how can you like it so much, Vince?"

Gimme a couple more weeks to watch the show and figure out if I can craft a sufficient reply.

Until then, I'm tuning in faithfully and I'm gonna say this: Being Bobby Brown will go down as the greatest reality show ever (my apologies to Real World). He's too enthralling for this not to happen.