San Fran's Fong

"Vince, get over here. You'll like this one."

So I put down my paper, swiveled my chair around and my way to the TV.

"Check this out man. Who'd have thunk it?"

Who'd have thunk it indeed. The tele was tuned to CNN. It was breaking news. Another nutjob, demonic mother had killed her kids. This particular woman was hearing voices and murdered her three precious children.

Insane.

But that wasn't it. We were both amazed that, presiding over the news briefing, was an Asian police chief. An Asian woman! Her name was Something Fong.

I mean, just stop for a sec and give ol' Twisty a minute to process that. That one took me for a spin. It's an achievement. True, if there was an American city to break that mold, it'd be San Francisco. But still...

All the kung-fu movies in the world didn't prepare me for that one. I'd never seen a male-Asian cop in my life. Not even an Asian security-guard. I haven't even seen an Asian hall-monitor. But an Asian-woman police chief? Of one of the nation's biggest cities?

I kept thinking my co-worker was gonna say "Gotcha" and tell me that it really wasn't CNN, it E! and I was watching a re-run of when Lucy Lu hosted SNL. I wanted him to say that, because I was feeling horrible about myself. My disbelief was gnawing at me. Why wasn't I prepared for this? I joke about bigotry and discrimination, but am I really that dude? Am I a chauvinist? Am I a bigot?

I started tackling these questions, all the while putting on an awkward smirk as my co-worker began his Evening at the Improv stand-up routine.

I should've been applauding this breakthrough, instead I was all bent out of shape because this was gonna be one of those instances that blind Americans used to show me that "It's alright here in our great country."

Internally, I started breaking Chief Fong down, trying to diminish her Asian qualities and make her more masculine.

"Really, she looks kinda masculine. Like, if Nick Nolte were an Asian woman, he'd look just like that. So, that's probably why she broke this barrier. It's not like she looks like Amerie or somethin."

"Look at her hat. That joint is wayyyy to big for her head. This is a snow-job, she's really not the Chief. The real Chief probably had a death-threat this morning, so they're using Fong as a sacrificial lamb. The EFFIN law! I hate The Fuzz."

"Although, listen to her voice. She sort of sounds like Phil Jackson. So, at least she has that goin for her. She's got that. Ya know, if like, she's gotta bust a scumbag or somethin."

It's sad though. When it comes to Asian women, most Americans only see dry-cleaning lady, corner-store clerk, happy-ending, an almost-white news anchors.

I should've been ready for this yall. Insead I was caught with my enlightened pants around my ankles.

Judo-chop!